


Why don't you be the writer (and decide the words I say)

by Felixseo (kafkao)



Series: Love becomes clear when in pieces [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, Pining, Poetry, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 10:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 31,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21034976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kafkao/pseuds/Felixseo
Summary: Hi, my name is Chris Bang and I work as an editor for The 9th Magazine. I came across your poem and was wondering if you would like to feature in one of our upcoming editions?“What the hell.” Hyunjin whispers. Jisung only looks at him. Him? Feature? In a magazine?“It’s fake.” Jisung mumbles, “It has to be."orJisung was only writing poetry for the man he was desperately in love with. He never thought one man would turn into two





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> prompt #72
> 
> \- This is a literal monster of a fic so to my recipient, I'm sorry but I hope it meets your expectations. Thank you for a great prompt I really enjoyed writing this
> 
> \- To my beta, I cannot thank you enough for how much you have helped me out with this, it would have been a total flop without you
> 
> \- and finally, of course, thank you to the mods who have been nothing but helpful and supportive you guys deserve the world
> 
> \- rated T for language and super mild sexual content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visuals are [here](https://ibb.co/mtcJV3N) and [here](https://ibb.co/2dRpjC4)

“Come on, come on…” Jisung mutters to himself, watching the blue bar slide across the screen. It buffers for a moment, and so does Jisung’s breath, before it continues smoothly again and uploads the post.

Jisung exhales, exiting the app and switching his phone off, a fluttery feeling of satisfaction blooming in his chest that always occurs after he posts anything. Another piece of his heart out into the world, another feeling lost to his Instagram page instead of being shared with the one person who needs to hear his words the most.

A car horn makes Jisung drop his phone to the ground with a clatter, and when he picks it up and stands upright, he flicks his middle finger at the driver.

Changbin cackles, and because his windows are wound down, Jisung hears it.

“Fuck you.” Jisung says once he’s safely strapped in the front seat, a totally fake scowl on his face. “Seriously fuck you.”

Changbin only laughs as he continues to drive, completely unfazed by Jisung’s insults. 

“Okay, okay, fuck me.” He grins, “But first- open that bag.”

Jisung spots a plastic bag sitting on the dashboard and frowns, picking it up warily between two fingers.

“Oh my god it’s not going to _ explode.” _Changbin rolls his eyes, “Just open it.”

Jisung does as told, gasping when he pulls out the contents. There’s a dark, expensive looking cardigan as well as a shoe box, which he opens to reveal a pair of smart shoes.

“Hyung…” He starts, trailing off when he realises he doesn’t know what to say.

“You flopped your last interview because of your stupid outfit choices.” Changbin says, “I’m not letting you do that again.”

“Hyung.” Jisung sighs, “It’s _ literally _Starbucks.”

“Even Starbucks have morals.” Changbin snorts, and when Jisung punches him in the arm, he barely reacts.

They pull up into the Starbucks staff parking lot and Changbin helps Jisung slip into the cardigan and replace his Nike Airs with the shoes he bought him. 

“Okay,” Changbin says, tilting his head with the expression of a stylist preparing a celebrity for the Met Gala. “Look at me.”

Jisung looks up, hesitantly avoiding Changbin’s piercing gaze as he tugs at his jacket and instructs him to tuck his shirt into his ridiculously tight jeans.

“God you have blue hair.”

Jisung frowns, 

“What’s wrong with blue hair?”

“Everything. Until you’re employed. Come here.”

Jisung leans forward and Changbin pulls the beanie off his own head before fixing it over the mop of blue on Jisung’s head. Jisung fidgets as Changbin messes with his hair, pulling strands out at the front, and tucking it in at the back.

_ “Hyung,” _Jisung whines like a child, “I’m going to be late.”

“Don’t chat shit,” Changbin says, pulling back to admire his work, “You still have ten minutes to get inside that building.”

Jisung absentmindedly runs his teeth over the piercing in his bottom lip- a mistake, because Changbin’s eyes follow the action, for all the wrong reasons.

“Oh right!” He says, pulling a small box out of his pocket, “Take that out.”

“My piercing?” Jisung questions, groaning when Changbin nods, “Right now? _ Hyung.” _

_ “Jisung.” _Changbin mocks the younger and Jisung huffs as he unscrews the piercing and places it in the little box that Changbin holds open.

“God, that was so unsanitary.” He shudders, and Changbin rolls his eyes before he flicks the locks on the doors.

“Okay, go on, out.” 

Jisung does as told, leaning into the open window once he’s outside.

“I’m a bit nervous.” He admits, biting at his lip. Changbin offers him a gentle smile, eyes warm and comforting,

“You have no reason to be. They’re gonna love you.”

Jisung raises an eyebrow.

“You reckon?”

“Of course! Now go, before you’re _ actually _late. I’ll be here when you’re done.”

Jisung finds himself smiling back as he stands up straight and moves away from the car, resisting the urge to turn back and look at Changbin over his shoulder when he begins to walk towards the building. 

Nevertheless, it’s Changbin’s words that ring in Jisung’s head as the automatic doors close behind him and he’s lead into an office.

_ They’re gonna love you. _

Changbin is waiting, like he promised, when Jisung emerges from the building. He’s leaning against his car -the late afternoon sun glowing on his skin, accompanied by the slight shade of a tree that shadows him. His eyes glitter in the golden hour, hair gently blowing in the breeze, and Jisung thinks if he could animate his roommate right there, he would fit right into the role of a lead anime character. 

_I only know happy endings in fairy tales.  
_

“Sungie!”

Jisung snaps out of his trance, unable to hold back the smile that splits on his face when Changbin grins at him

“Hey,” Jisung greets back, as he approaches, 

“It went well?” Changbin questions, and Jisung just knows his whole expression has already given him away.

“I think so.” He can’t help but eagerly respond, even though he’s aware he probably shouldn’t get so excited about it just yet. The interview _ had _gone well, this interviewer seemed to be a lot less intimidating than the one he had encountered at his job interview at the cinema last week. He’d been cheerier, friendlier, and ensured Jisung he would get a call within the next week, even if they didn’t accept him. It made Jisung feel relieved, knowing he wouldn’t be waiting around for a phone call that may never come.

“I knew they’d love you.” Changbin says as he digs into his pocket. He pulls out the small box that Jisung had dropped his piercing into earlier and Jisung smiles, taking it from him.

“I still hate you for making me risk getting my piercing infected.”

Changbin snorts, rounding the car to open the door of the driver’s side.

“Get in, drama queen.”

\--

“Does this show even have a plot?” Changbin mutters, reaching for the remote. Jisung swats at his hand, cradling the remote close to his chest as if protecting it from the wrath of his roommate. 

“Don’t you dare switch the channel.” Jisung warns and Changbin rolls his eyes at his attitude.

“I’m going to fall asleep watching this.” 

“Then go to sleep.” Jisung shoots back. 

True to his words, a few minutes later, Changbin is passed out on the couch, his head teetering dangerously towards the edge of it. Jisung studies him for a moment, the shadows his eyelashes cast on his cheeks and the way his pretty lips are parted slightly in his sleep. Seo Changbin is beautiful, in every sense of the word. As usual, Jisung finds himself mesmerised.

Changbin shifts slightly, and Jisung quickly jumps into action before he can fall off the couch completely. Jisung settles Changbin into the back of the couch, safe and away from the edge, and once he’s sure Changbin has been completely taken over by the deepest stage of sleep, he pulls out his phone and opens his secret Instagram account.

A flood of comments rush through, the result of not having push notifications for comments turned on for this particular account. Jisung likes a few of the comments, smiling to himself when people tell him he’s talented and pick out their favourite bits of his poetry. It feels good, the praise and the acknowledgement, yet Jisung can’t help but feel bitter about the fact that the only acknowledgement he wants and needs is passed out on the other end of the couch, barely acknowledging him at all. 

> _ And I could have, _  
_ a stadium of people, acknowledging my fame _  
_ a forest of trees, whispering my praise, _  
_ a sky of stars, twinkling all the same, _  
_ yet none of it would mean a thing, _  
_ until the shape of your lips, _ _  
formed my name. _

“So that was a depressing one last night.”

Jisung stops battling with his left backpack strap to see Hyunjin standing over him. The lecture hall is slowly emptying out, just a few students scattered around the room even though class ended less than thirty seconds ago. Jisung doesn’t have another class after this, which he’s relieved about as he feels like he’s had enough social interaction for the day.

“Yeah.” Jisung sighs, giving up on his bag and throwing it over his back anyway. The uneven straps feel uncomfortable, but he does his best to ignore it, “Was feeling more unloved than normal last night.” He jokes.

Hyunjin presses his lips together, the self-deprecating joke flying over his head and instead filling his thoughts with concern. Jisung rolls his eyes,

“Dude it was just a _ joke.” _

“I know, I know.” Hyunjin says as they leave the room. “I just think it’s getting a bit… sad at this point?”

Jisung throws him a withering look, like Hyunjin has just said the most stupid thing.

“All one-sided crushes are sad, Hyunjin.” 

They reach the huge double doors, and Jisung’s eyes wander over towards the high windows, sunlight streaming through them and basking the cafeteria in a pretty midday hue. 

“Want to take our lunch outside?” Hyunjin asks, following his gaze. Jisung smiles and nods sheepishly, happy with how easily his best friend can read him. 

It’s difficult to find a free bench because many students seemed to have had the same thought as them, and after wandering aimlessly for a few minutes, their stomachs growl too loud for them to just ignore.

“I don’t know why you don’t just tell him.” Hyunjin says as they settle under the shade of a tree, “Maybe he feels the same way.”

But Jisung is distracted. Something moving across the courtyard has caught his attention. He squints, then sighs in defeat when he realises his eyes aren’t making things up. He nudges Hyunjin in the side, who whines before he follows Jisung’s gaze.

Hyunjin offers Jisung a sad smile,

“Oh.” He says softly.

Jisung shrugs, eyes averting away from the scene of Changbin holding a girl’s hand, leaning close and whispering in her ear. 

Jisung met Hyunjin when he was eight, and covered in sand. Hyunjin had laughed at him and called him messy, whilst Jisung yelled and told him that that’s what sandboxes are _ for, _and eventually pushed Hyunjin in and told him it didn’t matter because now he was messy too.

They had been inseparable ever since.

Jisung’s been through most of his life changes with Hyunjin. They went to the same junior school, the same high school, graduated together and even winded up at the same college. Hyunjin always joked that they’re two literature nerds, writing their story together except it’s a story with no end, seeing as they’re never getting rid of each other. Jisung has a picture of them holding a second place trophy at the annual fiction writing competition sitting on his dresser, which he’s distractedly staring at when Changbin bursts into his room.

It isn’t uncommon for Changbin to do this. Even though they had established privacy rules when they first moved in together, Changbin has broken most of them and Jisung doesn’t have it in him to tell Changbin off for it.

“Have you seen-” Changbin cuts himself off, eyebrows furrowing at the mess on Jisung’s bed. Jisung silently curses at himself.

Strewn over his bed are fragments of poetry, some written neatly on actual paper whilst other bits are etched onto the back of Starbucks napkins and Waitrose receipts. Inspiration tends to strike Jisung at bizarre moments. 

Before Changbin can ask any questions, Jisung hastily scrambles to pick everything up, knowing he’ll hate himself for it later because he’d just about sorted things out into piles of _ words that make sense _ and _ words that don’t. _Nevertheless, Jisung will die before he allows Changbin to discover he writes poetry about him.

“Have I seen what?” He asks breathlessly, trying to act like it’s totally normal to have various pieces of literature spilled over his bed. And really, it is, but only when the literature is in book or assignment form.

“My headphones.” Changbin responds slowly, “What are you doing?”

“Just- clearing some shit out.” Jisung lies, finally getting a grip of everything and shoving it into the bottom drawer of his desk. Changbin may have broken the privacy rule when it comes to entering without knocking, but he hasn’t broken the one about snooping through each other’s things. Jisung kicks his drawer shut. 

“Need any help?” Changbin asks, clearly still bemused by the whole situation. 

“Nope.” Jisung flashes Changbin the brightest smile he can muster, before taking him by the wrist and leading him out of the room. “I think I saw your headphones in the kitchen. Why are you even home?”

Changbin shrugs, grabbing his headphones from the kitchen counter when he spots them.

“The kid I was working with at the studio had to leave. Something about his roommate setting the apartment on fire.”

Jisung snorts as he opens the fridge. It’s so empty he closes it straightaway. 

“Maybe it was just a lie to get away from you.”

“Wouldn’t blame him.” Changbin grins, stretching his arms above his head. His shirt rides up as he does so, and Jisung averts his eyes back to the closed fridge, “I had him in there for three hours straight.”

Jisung shakes his head laughing. He knows how obsessed Changbin is with school, being a music major, Changbin takes his studies very seriously, even if that means holing himself up in one of the campus studios with his classmates, hoping to drill the same passion for music into them, that he was born with. 

“Are you hungry?” Jisung asks, suddenly cyber aware of the fact that he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch with Hyunjin in the afternoon. His stomach gives a funny sort of lurch at that memory. 

“Starving.” Changbin says, finally done with pulling his biceps over his head which initiated some sort of entire workout routine in their kitchen. Jisung wishes (and also doesn’t) that Changbin wasn’t such a gym rat. “I’m living off like three coffees and a packet of crackers.”

The sad state of the fridge and their tired student personalities means they end up ordering out, Thai food tucked between them as they lounge on the couch. Jisung knows he has a test to study for and half an assignment to complete but Changbin is looking all sleepy, like he does on most nights when he’s tired from a day of classes, and late night TV shows are enough to lull him to sleep.

“Go to sleep, hyung.” Jisung says softly, not wanting to break the calm atmosphere that’s enveloped them. 

“Still early.” Changbin mumbles, though he drops his head to Jisung’s shoulder anyway and allows his eyes to slip shut. “Just a nap.” He says, and a few minutes later when he’s snoring softly, still nestled against Jisung, Jisung knows for a fact that there’s no way Changbin is _ just napping. _

Jisung had been trying to wax up something new when Changbin entered his room earlier, trying to make sense of any of the emotions running through his mind, in hopes of posting something to his social media. He didn’t like to leave his last post as something sad and melancholy, even though that’s what a lot of his poems _ are, _he much prefers the pieces of writing where he’s comparing Changbin to the beauty of the sun and the sky and the stars, rather than the darkness of daunting oceans and vast, unknown galaxies. 

With Changbin fast asleep on his shoulder, hair falling into his eyes and soft, steady breathing tickling Jisung’s skin, Jisung pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts to write.  


> _ There’s something beautiful about you at night, _  
_ about the way you sleep so soundly, and let all your troubles go. _  
_ For the sky is full of stars and the city is devoid of light, _  
_ none of it matters when you’re here, asleep on my shoulder, soundly so. _  
_ If the day is made for laughter, and the nights are made for tears, _ _  
then dusky evenings like these, are made for you my dear. _

Jisung thinks it’s his alarm at first. Maybe he overslept, and his phone has been blaring the stupid Marimba tone for an hour and he’s simply slept through the whole thing. But when Jisung finally peels his eyes open and scrambles for his phone under the covers, he realises it’s not the sound of his alarm, but the sound of _ notifications. _Jisung is pretty sure he slept with his phone on silent, but he must have forgotten to do so, when he’d flopped into bed at one in the morning after tucking Changbin in on the couch. 

The first few notifications are typical, something from Hyunjin, something else from his dad, and an audio recording from his grandmother. Jisung assumes the last one is an accident- his grandmother recently invested in a smartphone, and she’s been unintentionally sending him voice recordings ever since. 

Jisung then notices that a majority of his notifications are coming from Instagram, and he gasps when he opens up the app. _ 15k likes. _Jisung momentarily stops breathing.

Sure, Jisung has a lot of followers, and he gets a few hundred likes on every post, as well as an average of a hundred or so comments too. He’s also aware that there’s usually a small rush of new followers after he posts pretty much anything. A lot of people resonate with unrequited crushes it seems. But never has Jisung received _ this _many likes on a post before.

Jisung groans as he locks his phone and another dozen notifications light up his screen, like a constant reminder that there’s no escaping it. He sighs, clicks his phone to silence, and then stands from the bed.

_ It’ll blow over. _

Changbin is standing in the living room against the open window, wearing nothing but a pair of sweats, swung low on his hips. Jisung counters that he must have shed his shirt halfway through the night from the heat, and when his eyes stray a little, he spots Changbin’s shirt thrown carelessly next to the couch.

Changbin’s eyes are closed and his hair is messy-looking, but it falls into his face just right. When a breeze picks up, it ruffles Changbin’s bangs, before they settle against his forehead once more. Jisung thinks he looks ethereal. He remembers the notifications currently blowing up his phone, and knows for a fact that if he ever became recognised for his work, for his poetry and his way with words, it would only make sense for it to be something he wrote about Changbin. 

“Hey,” Changbin says when he notices Jisung standing in the doorway. He offers Jisung a lazy smile, and Jisung hurries to give one back, eyes still glued to the way that the sun delicately outlines Changbin’s most beautiful features- his sculptured nose, his pretty eyes, his sharp torso, his biceps that he’s worked hard on. Jisung can’t drag his gaze away. It’s almost like the sun is _ forcing _Jisung to take in Changbin’s beauty, completely break him down into all the beautiful parts he is then stitch him back up into a masterpiece. 

“Hey.” Jisung breathes. He finally drags his gaze back up to Changbin’s when he clears his throat. “Have you had breakfast?”

Jisung’s voice is scratchy, and it should be because he’s just woken up, but he can’t help but think that that’s not the only reason. 

“Not yet.” Changbin says, a soft smile on his face, “Look at this.”

Jisung joins Changbin by the window, making sure to keep his distance from Changbin’s bare skin.

“Do you see it?”

Jisung can’t see it at first, not until he _ hears _it. There’s an excited yap from somewhere below, and Jisung finds himself leaning over the open window, grinning when he sees what it is. A small puppy is running around excitedly outside of their apartment building, chasing its tail and rolling around in the grass.

“Cute.” Jisung laughs as he pulls back. Changbin grins,

“Right? I wonder if she belongs to anyone.”

“Maybe one of those houses across the street?” Jisung suggests as they make their way towards the kitchen, “We have a pets ban, right?”

“I think so.” Changbin brings down two bowls from the drawer, along with two spoons and Jisung’s favourite cereal. Jisung grabs the milk before they both sit down. “Do you have plans today?” Changbin asks as he splashes milk into his bowl. He’s not paying attention to it and milk ends up sloshing over the sides, hitting the surface of the table top. Jisung rolls his eyes at the mess he’s making.

_ “Careful,” _He scolds first, “I have a study session with Hyunjin and Felix later.”

“Third-wheeling?” Changbin snorts. Jisung shakes his head,

“They’re both stupidly dense.” He admits. 

Jisung isn’t necessarily fond of laughing about his best friend, but Hyunjin and Felix really have been dancing around one another for the past year now. Unlike Changbin and Jisung, there’s nothing unrequited between them two. Felix and Hyunjin are equally smitten for one another, yet they’re both too shy to do anything about it. Jisung often feels like he’s watching them pull opposite ends of an elastic band. When one pulls, the other gets pushed in further until he decides to pull back. Jisung isn’t sure what will happen when it finally snaps.

Even whilst they’re studying, Jisung notices the way Felix takes constant glances at Hyunjin, like he’s scared he’ll disappear if he doesn’t look at his face every five seconds. Jisung tries _ really _ hard to hide his amusement, but it’s difficult when Felix is so obvious and Hyunjin is so _ oblivious. _

“What’s so funny?” Felix sniffs eventually, and Jisung shakes his head, biting his lip to stop the smile from erupting,

“Nothing.” He lies. Hyunjin also looks up, bemused, and he’s about to say something when Jisung’s phone goes off five times in a row. He rushes to silence it.

“Who the heck keeps texting you?” Felix demands, clearly still irritated with Jisung’s previous behaviour. Jisung finds himself momentarily frozen, unsure of what to say. He’s used to giving Changbin excuses when it comes to his secret Instagram page, used to saying the first dumb thing that comes to his mind, and he’s pretty sure Changbin buys it every single time. But he doesn’t usually have to pretend in front of his friends. Aside from Hyunjin, no one else knows about his pathetic page, and he is adamant on keeping it that way. 

“It’s uh…” Jisung starts, all excuses suddenly leaving his mind and Hyunjin catches his eye, understanding passing between them before he speaks up.

“Is your grandma sending you accidental voice notes again?”

Jisung barks out a surprised, relieved laugh as he nods frantically,

“Yeah!” He turns to Felix, “Old people.”

Felix doesn’t laugh. He narrows his eyes, glancing between them, before he snaps his textbooks shut and gathers his things. When he pushes his chair back, there’s fire raging in his eyes. 

“Fine.” He says, “Keep secrets. I’m going to study with Sunwoo.” And with that he stands up and marches across the library, to join Sunwoo where he sits with Chani.

A wave of guilt washes over Jisung and leaves him drenched in remorse. He feels cold, like he’s just made a lot of things go wrong. 

“I’m sorry.” He says quietly, turning to Hyunjin, “I know you guys like-” 

“It’s fine.” Hyunjin says quickly, brushing off Jisung’s comment with a shake of his head, “Why is your phone going off so much anyway? Did you post something last night? I didn’t get to check.”

“I thought you’d have my notifications on by now.” Jisung teases and Hyunjin shoots him a sad smile.

“Felix is on my phone a lot.” He explains. A bigger, stronger wave of worry envelopes Jisung, and he feels himself on the edge of tears as he slides his phone towards Hyunjin. 

Hyunjin takes it and gasps when he sees the ridiculous number of notifications flooding through. Jisung’s phone is still getting a dozen notifications every minute, except it’s on silent now, so there’s just the odd flash every once in a while. 

“What caused this?” Hyunjin asks as he continues to scroll, “You _ really _ need to turn your notifs off if- _ holy shit dude your dms.” _

Jisung drags his seat around the table so he’s sitting right next to Hyunjin, then looks over his shoulder. 

“What about them?” he asks.

“Do you ever look at them?” Hyunjin questions, fingers scrolling down the screen. Jisung shrugs,

“Not really. Never felt the need to.”

“Well you _ should. _You really blew up last night.”

“Do you want to be my manager?” Jisung laughs, “I’m famous now. I’ll need a manager right?”

Hyunjin scoffs, elbowing Jisung in the ribs,

“Shut up.” He grins, “It’s _ one _post.”

Jisung is about to leave Hyunjin, who’s clearly entertained by his mass of dms, and turn back to his textbooks, when Hyunjin lets out a strangled sort of gasp. Jisung thinks about ignoring it, because Hyunjin is _ dramatic, _but then Hyunjin is grabbing at his sleeve, and Jisung has no choice but to abandon his books and take a look at the message being shown on screen. 

Jisung gapes.

_ Hi, my name is Chris Bang and I work as an editor for The 9th Magazine. I came across your poem and was wondering if you would like to feature in one of our upcoming editions. If we like you enough, we could keep you on the team. The first time would be a trial but we could sort things out for you after that. If you’re interested, please let me know so we can hopefully meet in person and discuss this. _

“What the hell.” Hyunjin whispers. Jisung only looks at him. _ Him? Feature? _ In a _ magazine? _ Someone wants his pathetic drabble in their _ magazine? _

“It’s fake.” Jisung mumbles, “It has to be. Someone’s messing with me. There’s no way-”

“I don’t know man.” Hyunjin is back to scrolling, except Jisung notices it’s no longer his own page that’s being scrolled through, “This person looks pretty legit. Look, they even have all these past editions- shit look at that following, no wonder you blew up. He must have liked your post.”

Jisung’s mind is reeling. Last night, all he really wanted was a few words to make a poem, a line or so that would get the literature going. He was looking for inspiration, he had a muse, he just needed an extra push. If he knew that extra push would end up with someone wanting to feature his work in their magazine article, he isn’t sure if he’d have done anything at all.

Jisung’s poetry has always been sacred to him, somewhere he can put his ideas into a place and hopefully have some people relate to him. A couple of hundred people. _ Not _thousands. And definitely not influencers with huge followings.

“This is so fast.” Jisung sighs, leaning his head against Hyunjin’s, “Wouldn’t that be weird? To put my poetry just- out there?”

Hyunjin shrugs,

“It’s already kind of out there.” He says. It’s the wrong thing to say, because Jisung suddenly realises just how many people have _ seen _his poem, how many people know that he has feelings for someone who will never love him, never even think of him-

“Hey, hey, Sungie, _ breathe.” _ Hyunjin instructs, “None of these people know you. They don’t know who you are, and most importantly they don’t know _ why _you write what you do. They don’t know about Changbin, and they don’t have to know. You can turn this Chris guy down if you want it’s fine. You don’t even have to respond. Your comfort comes first.”

Jisung does the first thing first. He breathes. Then he thinks for a moment,

“Thanks, Jinnie.” He mumbles, “I’ll think about it.”

\--

“I think we’re out of eggs.”

Changbin frowns, slowing down the cart as they reach the dairy aisle. 

“Eggs?” He repeats, “We don’t even eat eggs.”

“I use them in baking.” Jisung defends, carefully placing a box of a dozen eggs into the cart.

“You don’t bake, Ji.”

“I do!” Jisung protests, “Sometimes.”

“You baked once and almost burnt the kitchen down.”

Jisung ignores Changbin’s remarks and takes the cart from his hold, pushing it into the next aisle- sugar and coffee.

“Do we need anything from here?” He asks.

“I don’t know, do you need sugar for your _ baking?” _

“Shut up.” Jisung grumbles, continuing to push the cart. He pushes it a little faster, so Changbin has to jog to keep up with his pace.

“Hey, slow down, I was only joking you big baby.”

“Don’t make fun of my hobbies.” Jisung sniffs, making a face of faux sadness. 

“I wasn’t making _ fun-” _Changbin cuts himself off, and Jisung spins around immediately to see what has caught his roommate’s attention. He freezes when he sees it.

Jisung has only seen her once- he doesn’t even know her name- but there’s no mistaking her long hair and pretty eyes, her tall, lean figure and the bright smile she throws in Changbin’s direction. Flashes of Changbin whispering into her ear and laughing against her cheek pass through Jisung’s mind, and he can’t help but turn away, scowling. 

“Hey, I’ll- uh catch you in a bit.”

Jisung is about to protest, maybe even throw a tantrum, because Changbin has the shopping list and now he’s running away to meet his- whatever she is, but Jisung doesn’t even get a chance to open his mouth because Changbin has already jogged the few feet he needs to to reach the girl.

Jisung feels incredibly inadequate watching the two converse. He’s aware that he should just duck into the next aisle, maybe even start piling their stuff onto a conveyor belt because they’ve definitely spent way too much already. But he finds himself rooted to the spot, feeling even more sorry for himself as the seconds tick by.

Jisung doesn’t want to be jealous, he wishes he didn’t feel so much regarding Changbin. He wishes he could watch his roommate talk to pretty girls and feel nothing but happiness for one of his closest friends finding someone who makes him that cheerful- except he physically cannot feel like that at all. Jisung doesn’t feel an ounce of happiness, instead he feels an ugly jealousy, a creeping envy that only boils his blood the longer he stands there watching Changbin talk to the girl. 

Eventually, Jisung starts to get in the way of other shoppers, and he realises how stupid he must look, standing in the middle of the tinned fish aisle, staring at two kids having a simple conversation that he (bitterly realises) he isn’t a part of. Jisung slowly moves the cart and begins to roll it towards the checkouts, unable to get the mental image of Changbin looking at the girl out of his head, and belatedly realising that Changbin has never, and probably will never, look at him the same way. 

“Sorry about that.”

Jisung is piling the plastic bags full of groceries into the trunk of Changbin’s car when Changbin finally decides to catch up with him again. Jisung can’t help but feel angry. It was _ Changbin’s _ idea to do a grocery shop, _ Changbin’s _ idea to go together, yet _ Changbin _had been the one to ditch him in order to satisfy his dick- or whatever other reason he was looking at that girl like she personally hangs the stars in the sky every night.

Jisung wants to stay mad once he’s strapped into the passenger seat, but he’s feeling a little petty and a lot curious, so he squashes down his rage and turns to his roommate.

“How do you know her?” Jisung asks as sweetly as possible. Changbin looks pleasantly surprised at the fact that Jisung is speaking to him- clearly in the mind-set that Jisung was indeed angry at him. Well, he isn’t wrong, but Jisung isn’t going to be the one to tell him that.

“She’s in my business class.” Changbin says, a smile taking over his face as he does so, “She’s a dance major though and- _ god, _Jisung she’s so good.”

Jisung twists his face into a smile, suddenly regretting having asked at all. He really doesn’t want to sit here and listen to Changbin gush over the pretty girl’s talents, but he’s already asked and it’s too late to take it back, so he simply allows Changbin to continue, like every sentence doesn’t send daggers into his chest.

“She complimented me for the song I made- remember that one I made Hyunjin and Felix for dance?” Jisung nods eagerly, remembering how Changbin had fretted and fussed over that particular track, determined to get it perfect because Hyunjin’s whole dance class was going to see him perform to it. It had come out amazing, just like everything Changbin did, and Jisung was thoroughly impressed, just like he always is at everything Changbin does. 

“I remember.” Jisung says quietly.

“Yeah well she’s in their dance class and she asked me to make her one too- _ me!” _Changbin shakes his head like he barely believes pretty people can approach him and ask him for favours. “So I’ve been working on it and yeah, we had a few things to discuss.” Changbin pauses, then says dreamily, “She’s also really fun to talk to.”

“I bet.” Jisung mutters darkly, but either Changbin doesn’t catch it, or he ignores him, because for the remainder of the car drive, he only talks about the girl, and all her talents and pretty much anything about her, and by the time they get home, Jisung wishes he had the ability to ignore anything Changbin says, because now he knows that the girl studied hip-hop in America and has two dogs and likes to ski. Jisung has a whole pile of information about a girl he wishes he barely knew, and Changbin has Jisung’s heart, in pieces, in the palms of his hands. 

Jisung locks himself in his room when they get home. He tells Changbin to put the groceries away because he barely helped with the loading, and Changbin- still high off his chat with the pretty girl- happily abides. 

Jisung’s fingers itch. He shouldn’t do this out of spite. He told Hyunjin he’d _ think _about it, but he isn’t thinking, not really, when he pulls out his phone and opens the message from Chris. They’d just left him on read, because Jisung didn’t really feel like dwelling on it, but now, head full of rage and heart full of envy, his fingers fly over the keyboard like he’s had his decision made for months.

_ Hey Chris, I’m honoured you like my poetry, and I’d love to work with you! Let’s meet soon- J.One. _

It’s petty. It really is. Jisung doesn’t even know why he responded to Chris like it was some sort of retaliation for his anger at Changbin, though Changbin remained clueless about his rage anyway.

Chris doesn’t take long to respond, and the next day, Jisung seeks out Hyunjin before opening it. Hyunjin is (typically) hanging out with Felix. The pair are sitting together under one of the benches on campus, heads leaning in close, whispering amongst each other, though no one is close enough to hear them anyway. Jisung’s heart leaps at the sight of them, inwardly cooing at how cute they look before he approaches.

Felix looks at him warily, and Jisung feels regret pool in the pit of his stomach as he thinks about maybe waving it off and walking away, but Hyunjin speaks before he can put that plan into action.

“What’s up?” Hyunjin asks with a knowing look, “Is it-”

Jisung nods quickly, and Hyunjin stands before he can say anything else. Felix looks beyond irritated at the intrusion, and Jisung thinks about telling Hyunjin to just sit and stay with Felix. He can sort this out himself; he doesn’t need Hyunjin all the time, does he?

“I’m getting really annoyed with you two and all these stupid secrets.” Felix sniffs, though he looks at Hyunjin as he says it. It’s clear that he isn’t really bothered if Jisung keeps things from him, but the bond between Hyunjin and Felix is different, it’s stronger- at least, it should be.

“I’ll tell you soon, okay?” Hyunjin presses a quick kiss to Felix’s cheek, and Felix looks stunned for a moment. 

“O-okay.” He whispers, fingers grazing over the spot that Hyunjin just pressed his lips to. Hyunjin grabs Jisung’s arm and steers him away, elbowing him in the ribs when they’re far enough for Jisung to laugh out loud.

“I think you broke him.” Jisung giggles as he hands his phone to Hyunjin, and Hyunjin mumbles a _ shut up _ as he unlocks Jisung’s phone and opens up the app.

“It’s just an address.” Hyunjin informs him, “And a time. You free on Thursday?”

Jisung shrugs,

“Should be. Is it far?”

Hyunjin pulls up the maps app, tapping a few things into Jisung’s phone before he shakes his head.

“A ten minute drive off campus.” He says, “I can drive you if you want? In case this Chris guy turns out to be a real creep.”

Jisung smiles gratefully.

“Thanks.” He says softly. Then pauses. Frowns. “Don’t you grab lunch with Felix on Thursdays?”

Hyunjin frowns for a moment too, clearly conflicted, before the frown disappears and he smiles brightly once more,

“I’ll reschedule.”

“Are you sure? Will Felix mind if-”

“I’m sure.” Hyunjin cuts him off, “Come on, you’ll need a cooler outfit than those ugly jeans.”

Jisung is surprised Changbin doesn’t mock him for his ‘ugly’ jeans, as Hyunjin so kindly put it, when they’re watching TV together that evening. But it seems that Changbin isn’t really paying much attention to anything. Jisung would be offended, maybe even a little hurt, at Changbin’s blatant impassivity, if it didn’t seem like not even Changbin himself was aware of how he’s acting.

“I hope he dies.” Jisung says, gesturing towards the character currently ranting on screen. A small smile flickers across Changbin’s face as he nods at Jisung’s words,

“Yeah me too.” He says quietly, and that’s how Jisung knows he _ really _ isn’t paying attention, because, well - who the heck would want Kageyama _ dead? _

“Alright.” Jisung pauses the anime to turn to face Changbin, bringing his legs up beneath him so he sits cross-legged, “What’s up?”

Changbin blinks as if seeing Jisung for the first time, then blinks again, slower, like he can’t believe Jisung is speaking to him.

“What do you mean?” He asks after a third blink. Jisung sighs.

“You just said you want Tobio Kageyama to die.”

Changbin begins to blink rapidly, and if Jisung didn’t know this was a habit of Changbin’s after being told something shocking, he’d think he was trying to hold back tears.

“I didn’t- did I?”

“You did.” Jisung confirms the unbelievable, putting on his best affronted face, “Now tell me what’s wrong or I’ll spoil the entirety of season two for you.”

“Oh, it’s- it’s nothing.” Changbin looks at his hands, then looks away completely, clearly trying to avoid Jisung’s gaze, “Really, it’s nothing.”

_ “Hinata-” _ Jisung starts loudly, drowning out Changbin’s voice completely. Changbin looks genuinely terrified before he realises what Jisung is doing, and rushes to shut him up. Jisung doesn’t get a single word out after that, as he’s busy being wrestled to the floor by his roommate. Changbin shoves Jisung’s face into the soft carpet, so anything he _ does _attempt to say is muffled by polypropylene.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Jisung gasps when Changbin is done manhandling him, “I won’t say anymore. Just tell me what’s up.”

Changbin eyes him warily like he doesn’t trust Jisung a single ounce, and Jisung thinks he’s very smart for thinking like that, but he also isn’t about to admit that just yet.

“If you want to.” Jisung tags on softly, “Tell me what’s got you so distracted.”

Changbin shrugs, leaning back on his hands. He’s still sitting on Jisung’s stomach, so his hands rest on Jisung’s thighs. He’s pretty heavy, but Jisung isn’t ready to admit that just yet either.

“I just,” Changbin pauses, takes a breath, looks away, “This project I have to do for music. My partner is so- so AWOL? He’s like, never around, but I don’t want to swap with anyone, because he’s really good, you know?” Jisung nods in understanding, knowing exactly what it’s like to work with someone talented but unbothered, “And I _ really _ don’t want to confront him because well, he’s kind of scary.” Changbin pulls a face and Jisung can’t help the laughter that escapes him. _ Changbin? Scared? _

“Shut up.” Changbin whines, using his left hand to swat at Jisung’s side, “I’m serious. He’s older than me too, and he scares the complete shit out of me.” He pauses, “Sorry- don’t worry about it. I’ll figure it out.”

Jisung shifts, doesn’t bother telling Changbin not to apologise, because he knows that Changbin only apologises at the end of his vents to make himself feel better. He gently squeezes Changbin’s hand instead.

“I’m sure you will.” He smiles, genuinely for a second, before it turns cheeky. “Do you remember what you told me to do when I was intimidated by the people in my literature class?”

Changbin raises an eyebrow- clearly recalling the advice he had given, but he shakes his head.

“Remind me.”

Jisung scoffs.

“You told me to sleep with them, hyung.” Jisung deadpans, _ “Can’t be scared of someone once you’ve seen their dick.” _He mocks.

Changbin clearly tries extremely hard to contain his laughter, but ultimately he fails, uncontrollable giggles falling from his lips as he topples against Jisung’s chest. Jisung wraps his arms around Changbin’s back, holding him in place as they laugh together.

“That’s like- the best advice I’ve ever given you.”

“This is why I don’t follow your advice.” Jisung teases, and Changbin laughs a little more before settling in properly against him, “Go to sleep, hyung.” Jisung drops his voice to something soft, not exactly a whisper, but something that will calm the giddy atmosphere, “Sleep makes everything better.”

Ten minutes later, Jisung is still lying on the floor and Changbin is still lying on top of him, though he’s unconscious, steadily breathing, with his fists clenched under his chin, legs pulled up against Jisung’s torso.

Jisung can feel every exhale, every shift, every muscle twitch that comes from Changbin and he loves the feeling of closeness, the feeling of being able to hold him so close, so tight, and so safe.

Slowly, and as carefully as he can, Jisung shifts Changbin so he’s lying on the floor next to him. Changbin latches onto Jisung’s side almost immediately, and Jisung smiles softly, keeping one arm tight around his side, before using his other to pull his phone out of his pocket.

> _ I wish I could give you: _
> 
> _ the stars that shine brighter than your eyes, _
> 
> _ the sun that is the only thing warmer than your laughter, _
> 
> _ the moon that calms me, like your words do. _
> 
> _ I want to give you: _
> 
> _ the universe, _
> 
> _ the galaxies painted on your skin, _
> 
> _ the stardust sprinkled across your collarbones. _
> 
> _ If the universe is 93 billion light years, then I want to give you, _
> 
> _ something more, something bigger, something better- _
> 
> _ something that you’re worth. _
> 
> _ And at the end of it all, I just want your happiness to be a constant. _
> 
> _ Because I cannot think, _
> 
> _ of a single soul, _
> 
> _ who deserves goodness, _
> 
> _ as much as you do. _

“What if he’s expecting someone older?” Jisung wonders, teeth biting into his bottom lip as soon as the thought has left his mouth. “I mean, I’ve never really put anything personal about me on my page- god what if he doesn’t even want a guy? _ Jinnie what if he’s homophobic?” _

“Oh my god.” Hyunjin groans, hitting the brakes to stop at a red light. Jisung feels bad for eating Hyunjin’s ear off for the whole drive with his worries and troubles, but he’d barely slept last night, too scared about meeting this Chris guy.

This traffic light is the last one; Jisung knows that once they turn the corner, the café that Chris wanted to meet at will be in plain view, and it only makes his nerves increase further.

“Look, if he wanted a specific person he would have asked.” Hyunjin reasons, “He didn’t ask anything- he likes you for your poetry and your talent Sungie, he doesn’t care what’s between your legs and, well, whose legs you like to get between.”

Jisung pulls a face,

“You couldn’t think of any other way to talk about my gender and sexuality?”

Hyunjin shrugs.

“Just quit worrying, is what I’m saying. I’ll be right outside until you tell me to leave.”

Hyunjin pulls into a spot outside the small café and Jisung’s nerves seem to multiply, but he throws Hyunjin the brightest smile he can anyway. Hyunjin had missed half his weekly lunch date with Felix and drove them all the way to this café in the middle of complete nowhere, just to maintain his status as Best Friend, so the least Jisung can do is act happy about it.

“I owe you.” Jisung says as he exits the car. Hyunjin yells a bye out of the open window, and Jisung has to stop to breathe once he reaches the café door, but he finally gains the courage to open it and steps inside.

It’s one of the strangest cafes Jisung has ever been to. Although Jisung’s cafe experiences are pretty much limited to the Starbucks on his campus, this one is definitely very different from an average coffee shop.

The walls are lined with art, some of it in frames, other parts drawn directly onto the wall. There’s a beautiful city landscape sketched into the wall behind the counter, with unlit lights bordering the edges. Jisung can’t even begin to imagine how beautiful it must look in the evenings, when the outside world is dark, but the café is lit by dim light bulbs.

Jisung’s eyes dart around the café in hopes of finding some middle-aged guy with a Chris kind of look. He realises belatedly that he should have messaged the Chris guy before he arrived, but he would feel silly pulling out his phone now, so he opts for the next best thing and boldly walks up the counter.

The barrister is wiping down an already clean surface when Jisung approaches. He lays down his cloth and looks ready to take an order, so Jisung blurts out his enquiry quickly.

“Sorry I- I don’t need a drink, I just- do you know anyone here called Chris?”

The barrister raises his eyebrows, and in that split second where neither of them are speaking, Jisung distracts himself by reading the guy’s nametag. Woojin.

Woojin is a handsome guy, definitely older than Jisung but not _ old. _He has fluffy brown hair and kind eyes, and when his lips turn upwards, Jisung notices his smile is just as kind.

“I do,” Woojin says, then nods towards a corner. “You can find him over there.”

Jisung says a quiet thank you before he steps down from the counter and turns towards where Woojin had directed him.

Chris doesn’t necessarily stick out, but he isn’t difficult to miss either. There’s only a handful of people in the café, and Jisung is glad, because it means he can take quick glances at Chris as he walks over to him, without anyone getting in the way.

Chris looks about the same age as Woojin, though his expression is serious and unwavering. He’s dressed in all black, a black hoodie and tight black jeans, that Jisung almost swoons over because well, frankly, this Chris guy is hot.

Jisung tugs at the hem of his own plaid shirt, wishing he’d maybe dressed a bit nicer, but then realising it’s too late to worry about that, he approaches him.

“Hello.” Jisung says, voice barely above a whisper. He’s not sure why his voice has dropped so low, and it scares him, because it’s a clear sign of nerves though he really has no reason to be nervous _ at all. _“I’m Jisung- J.On.e”

Chris looks up from his laptop, and the first thing Jisung notices up close is how pretty his eyes are. Sure they’re determined and a little intimidating, but they’re also glittery, and almost welcoming.

“Oh, Hi!” Chris breaks out into a huge smile, and all the seriousness and previous fortitude melts away to reveal an expression of pure kindness. “Hey, oh my god, hi, please sit- sorry about the mess.” Chris gathers all his papers up and places them on top of his laptop which he promptly snaps shut. He moves it all aside and even nudges Jisung’s chair out for him, which Jisung acknowledges with a quiet thank you.

“I really wasn’t expecting you to be so young.” Chris says once Jisung has sat down. Jisung pauses in sending his text to Hyunjin, eyes narrowing before he smiles lightly,

“I didn’t expect you to be so young either.” He shoots back. Chris laughs as Jisung hits send on his text _ (‘Chris isn’t a creep go make out with Felix.’ ‘Shut up.’), _and proceeds to nervously scratch at the back of his neck.

“I don’t work alone.” Chris explains softly, “We’re a team.”

“But you’re like- the boss?” Jisung asks, nerves now displaced with curiosity. Chris laughs again, shaking his head.

“Not- not exactly. I wouldn’t say that.” He pauses, then fixes Jisung with a stare. It’s not like the stare that Jisung first saw, it’s warm and inviting, and Jisung finds his previous nerves completely melting away, “So, tell me about yourself- Jisung, you said?” Jisung nods, hyper aware of the fact that before this Chris has probably been mentally referring to him as _ J.One. _“What do you like to do- aside from poetry?”

Jisung shrugs, momentarily confused as he tries to think about what he actually does aside from cry and then write poetry regarding what he cried about.

“I like to read.” Jisung admits, “I like all types of literature, but I’m quite fond of plays and stuff.”

Chris beams.

“That’s great! Plays are awesome.”

Jisung feels himself brighten,

“You like plays?” He asks,

“I _ love _them.” Chris responds, “I love any kind of literature that can be brought to life. Like slam poetry you know?”

“I love slam poetry!” Jisung exclaims, realising he’s being too loud for the quiet café atmosphere, but not being able to find it within himself to calm down.

“A lot of your poetry would make great for slam poetry.” Chris muses, “You have a real talent with words.” Jisung shifts uncomfortably under the praise, and Chris must notice this because he smiles gently once more, “I’m being serious Jisung you- you have a lot of potential.”

“Thank you.” Jisung says softly, then he clears his throat quickly before any more vulnerability can overcome him, “So what exactly is _ The 9th _?”

“Right, well,” The look of seriousness once again encompasses Chris’ expression, and for the first time since he sat down, Jisung is glad they’re talking business. “It’s an entertainment magazine.” Chris explains, “There’s different sections, so we can reel in different types of audiences. So far we have a photography section, a music section, an advice section and hopefully, soon, a poetry section. There’s a topic each month, and next week’s topic is based around unrequited love.”

Chris pauses to pull out an iPad from his bag. He unlocks it and opens up a document before sliding it over towards Jisung.

“As you can see,” Chris says, scrolling through the spreadsheet, “These are topics we’ve previously covered,” Jisung’s eyes scan over various words, _ relationships, stress, peer pressure, _as Chris continues to speak, “And these are topics we hope to cover sometime in the future.” He pauses, “Of course, the first issue with you would just be a trial period, but, if your work reels in readers and people seem interested, we’d love to properly hire you and include you in our team.”

Jisung blinks. He feels like Chris has just thrown an ice-cold bucket of information over him, and he’s standing in the freezing cold, unaware of how to dry off.

“Sorry,” Chris laughs, seeming to realise what he’s done, “I didn’t mean to bombard you with all that at once I just-”

“It’s okay.” Jisung rushes to respond, “Really, it is. Can I see like, some stats?”

“Of course!” Chris swipes across the spreadsheet so a bunch of pie charts and graphs cover the page instead. “My roommate helps us with the statistics and accounting and stuff, so it looks pretty complicated, to be honest I don’t completely get it either, but _ this _graph shows our rise in buyers since we started the magazine versus our last issue.”

Jisung’s knows his eyes widen comically at the huge figures on the graph. Hyunjin was right- this magazine is _ huge, _and Jisung is super impressed knowing that it’s managed by a bunch of college kids just doing their hobbies.

Slowly, Jisung clicks the tablet shut and slides it back across the table, seemingly lost for words at everything Chris has just given him.

“Of course, I don’t expect an answer immediately.” Chris says as he puts the tablet away, “But the sooner you decide, the sooner we can start discussing things- picking out whatever you want to include in the next issue, and maybe even introducing you to the rest of the team. No pressure though.” Chris smiles, and Jisung returns it hesitantly.

Writing for the magazine would definitely fuel Jisung’s hopes of taking the literature route someday. Even though he isn’t a hundred percent sure of what job he wants to pursue exactly, he knows that writing poetry for a magazine every month is something that he would love to fit into his schedule. He wouldn’t even be spending extra time on it, not really, he’d just be putting his poetry somewhere worthwhile instead of posting it just to his Instagram profile. _ Might as well get paid to be sad _Jisung thinks, as Chris continues to look at him expectantly. 

Jisung wonders if Changbin would care, knowing that Jisung has written countless poems about how Changbin barely even looks at him, exaggerated Changbin’s obliviousness to the point where he sometimes comes across as an asshole. He wonders if it’s right to profit off of Changbin’s blatant feelings for him that are nothing past platonic.

“I’ll think about it.” Jisung promises Chris as he begins to stand. Over an hour has passed since he first took the seat across from Chris, and Jisung knows if he text Hyunjin to come get him he’d be here in a heartbeat, but Jisung feels the need to spend some time alone and think the decision over himself, so he catches the bus back to their apartment, revelling in the short walk that public transport obligates him to take.

Jisung notices the apartment is empty when he unlocks it. He calls around for Changbin, before realising that his roommate is nowhere to be found.

Sighing, Jisung decides to start on dinner, but when he walks into the kitchen he spots a post-it stuck to their fridge.

_ Gone to a party, don’t wait up for me, if you know what I mean ;) _

_ -Binnie. _

_ p.s turn your phone back on, people are trying to reach u !! _

Something ugly twists in Jisung’s stomach at the implication of Changbin’s words, though he knows he has no right to feel that way. Changbin is going to go out and get drunk and have fun because he _ can, _ because he _ isn’t _tied down to Jisung, and no matter how much poetry Jisung writes about him, nothing will change that.

Jisung decides to listen to Changbin’s orders of turning his phone back on, completely forgetting that he’d even turned it off in the first place, and when he does there isn’t much aside from a text from Hyunjin asking if he got home okay, and a missed call from Changbin.

Jisung’s eyes catch the Instagram icon sitting in the corner of his screen, and before he can tell himself not to, he’s opening it and clicking the button that leads him to his dms.

Chris hadn’t give him his number, but reaching him isn’t a problem, as Jisung types the message and hits send. He hates that he doesn’t feel an ounce of regret, even once Chris replies.

_ Hey Chris! I’ve thought about it, and I think this is too good of an opportunity to turn down. Count me in. –J.one _

_ Welcome to the team, Jisung! –Chris Bang _

\--

“So you know how Starbucks never gave me a response?”

Hyunjin nods, and Jisung can tell he’s only half-listening, more occupied with the sushi that lies on his coffee table. Distracting Hyunjin is always too easy.

“Well I thought I need _ some _kind of income, so-”

“-so you accepted Chris’ offer.” Hyunjin finishes, then swallows a mouthful of rice. Jisung gapes. Maybe Hyunjin wasn’t as distracted as he thought he was.

“You’re not mad?” Jisung asks quietly. Hyunjin drops his chopsticks to the table and swivels around so he’s facing Jisung on the couch. Jisung makes himself as small as possible, tucking his knees against his chest and bringing his arms around them, as if protecting himself from something unknown. Hyunjin gently places a careful hand on Jisung’s knee, and Jisung doesn’t realise he’s shaking slightly until he does so.

“I have no right to be mad.” Hyunjin says gently. “The decision has always been yours- I’m simply here to offer you advice when you ask for it. I’m not going to get mad because you angry-accepted Chris’ job offer.”

Jisung frowns.

“How do you know it was an angry acceptance?”

“Jisung.” Hyunjin sighs as he turns back to the table scattered with food. He pokes at a cardboard carton, before realising its empty, then turns back to his rice. “Making rash decisions from rage is like, your biggest personality trait.”

Jisung gapes, “It is _ not-” _

“It totally is.” Hyunjin laughs, avoiding the leg that lashes out in his direction. “Now, do you want my help finding the right poem to submit or not?”

Picking out a poem turns out to be a lot harder than either of them had imagined. Changbin’s absence from the apartment means they can lay Jisung’s poems all over the living room carpet, though this tactic only seems to stress Jisung out more. With his own literature strewn all over the place, he suddenly begins to feel insecure, and wonders if his poetry is even worth being submitted into a magazine that hundreds of people read every month.

“Okay, I’ve narrowed it down to three.”

Jisung places the poem that was in his hand onto the sofa and turns to face Hyunjin, thankful that his best friend’s level of organisation is the same as his own of self-depreciation.

“Which three?” Jisung asks, and Hyunjin grins, then begins to read the first one. By the end of the third one, Jisung feels ridiculously self-conscious, like the sound of listening to your own voice on a recording- aware that that’s you, but also _ hating _the fact that it is.

“Maybe we can ask Chris which-” Hyunjin cuts his sentence off by the front door slamming shut. Jisung springs into action, quickly gathering all the papers into one neat pile, aside from the three that Hyunjin had picked out earlier.

“What are you guys up to?” Changbin asks as he enters, probably spying the ridiculously guilty look on Jisung’s face. Jisung never really could hide his emotions from Changbin.

“Nothing.” Jisung responds, too quick it’s suspicious. When Changbin cocks his head in clear mistrust, Hyunjin sighs then picks up the three papers that lie on his thigh.

“Actually, I need a second opinion on something.” Hyunjin gives the briefest glance in Jisung’s direction, and Jisung responds with the slightest nod of consent. “Can you tell me which quote from each of these poems sound the best?”

Changbin, satisfied with being involved, simply nods and gestures for Hyunjin to read them out, so Hyunjin does so.

If hearing his poetry felt like listening to his own voice on tape, then Jisung thinks hearing your poetry read to the muse is somehow even worse. Changbin’s expression remains unchanged as Hyunjin cycles through the three quotes.

_ I know you’ll never think of me the way I think of you _

_ It’s okay that you don’t think of me at 3am _

_ I know you’ll pick the prettiest person with the prettiest face. _

When Hyunjin is finished, Changbin claps, and Jisung’s heart leaps for a millisecond before he realises that Changbin’s slow clapping is _ exaggerated _ and _ sarcastic. _

“The second one is okay,” Changbin shrugs, “But they all seem a bit-” He gestures vaguely, and Hyunjin narrows his eyes, almost _ daring _Changbin to finish his sentence. Unfortunately, Changbin can’t decipher Hyunjin’s expressions as easily as he can decipher Jisung’s. “-pathetic.”

Jisung doesn’t stick around to hear what else Changbin has to say, simply mumbles an excuse and rushes out the room, barely missing Hyunjin’s angry hiss of _ you’re pathetic. _

Jisung closes the door to his room, sinking against it once he’s sure that neither Changbin nor Hyunjin had followed him, then squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry. Unrequited love is one thing, but hearing your crush call your feelings _ pathetic; _Jisung doesn’t think there’s anything quite worse. He sighs, hugging his knees to his chest, fingers interlocked around them, eyes closed and head leaning against the wall, his mind begins to wax words without him even wanting it to.

> _ I threw my life away, the day I chose to love you. _
> 
> _ I threw my heart into your hands, and all caution into the wind. _
> 
> _ I tore out my heartstrings, knotted them between my own palms, _
> 
> _ like it didn’t matter whether I was whole or not, as long as you were _
> 
> _ And it’s dangerous, _
> 
> _ to love you whilst I’m like this, _
> 
> _ so vulnerable and lost and broken. _
> 
> _ But my most detrimental trait, _
> 
> _ isn’t my fractured heart, nor my tired mind, or my lost eyes, _
> 
> _ it’s simply the fact, that I am not yours. _


	2. ii.

“I’m going to throw up.”

“You are going to do no such thing.” Hyunjin says firmly, gripping Jisung by the arm before he can go reeling into the windshield like he’d threatened to do during many other nervous breakdowns in the past.

“I really am.” Jisung says, “Like, I’m going to bring up that whole Panini you made me eat this afternoon, followed by the cake, and-”

_ “Jisung.” _Hyunjin groans, “Please shut up. And relax.”

“Relax? Hwang Hyunjin did you just tell me to _ relax?” _Jisung throws his head against the headrest, ignoring the way it bumps the back of his head and leaves it throbbing slightly. 

Jisung didn’t realise how incredibly nerve-wracking it would be to have his first poem officially published. He’s posted works to public platforms before, not just on his Instagram page, but also the odd few on tumblr, and when he was feeling brave- Facebook. But those were all simply digital platforms, which Jisung could delete posts from the second he began to feel conscious, but this was something _ huge, _ something _ out there, _something beyond Jisung’s control.

Jisung felt a certain protection over his poetry. Having his first work published in an actual magazine, despite it being anonymous and only citing his Instagram handle, it felt a lot like sending a child off to their first day of school.

“Yes, relax.” Hyunjin is about to put his car into gear when Jisung’s phone begins to ring. Jisung turns pale.

“It’s Chris.” He mumbles, “God, he’s going to fire me.”

_ “Jisung,” _Hyunjin hisses, “Answer it!”

Jisung does, reluctantly so, and Chris’ sweet voice that trails down the line does nothing to calm his nerves, though they’re a different type of nerves this time- the sort that feels like butterflies have been let loose in his stomach to roam around at their own free will.

“Hi?” Jisung says when he finally manages to hit answer on the third try.

“Jisung!” Chris doesn’t beat around the bush, which Jisung is grateful for. He tells Jisung that the online feedback for Jisung’s poem has so far been fantastic, which eases the butterflies in Jisung’s stomach slightly. “You’re a great addition to our team.” Chris tells him, “I’m glad we got to work together… speaking of…” Chris pauses, “I’d love to meet up soon. To talk about future plans? Hopefully?” The butterflies in Jisung’s stomach go into complete overdrive, to the point where he can barely speak, fearing that if he does, nothing except a swarm of butterflies will come out.

“Jisung?” Chris’ voice floats through the phone, “Are you there?”

“He’s here.” Hyunjin rushes out quickly, “Sorry, it’s Hyunjin- I think the cat has Jisung’s tongue.” Jisung can’t even muster the energy to glare at Hyunjin, who throws him a cheeky look anyway.

“Hyunjin? Oh, Hyunjin, hi! It’s great to finally chat to you.”

“You too.” Hyunjin responds smoothly, “As Jisung’s designated driver to all social events, he will meet up with you at whatever time you decide is best. Just text him the details.”

Chris laughs and agrees, and Jisung manages to come round enough to end the call and drop his phone into his lap. He only speaks when Hyunjin begins to drive.

“He really wants to meet up with me again?”

“He does.” Hyunjin confirms.

“And he wants to work with me in the future? Like- possibly- permanently?”

“He does.” Hyunjin repeats.

“Woah.” Jisung breathes, the shock still not completely worn off “Can we celebrate?”

Hyunjin grins, then takes a sharp turn away from the direction of Jisung’s apartment and onto the main road.

“I have the best idea.” Is all he offers as an explanation.

“Okay, twenty minutes, then get in the shower.”

Jisung groans, hating this part of dyeing his hair the most. He has too much energy and not enough self-control to sit and do something non-chaotic for an entire twenty minutes, but he’s also aware that the last time he walked around the apartment with his hair streaked with dye, he’d ended up making a blue mess all over his white bed sheets.

“Twenty minutes.” Hyunjin repeats, this time with warning in his tone, “I’m just going to take these gloves off and wash my hands. I’ll put the timer on-” He stops abruptly, and Jisung turns to see what’s caught his attention. Hyunjin is staring straight at him-or more specifically- his chest.

“What?” Jisung asks, completely clueless.

“That’s Changbin’s flannel.” Hyunjin says, and Jisung _ hates _the way sympathy drips into his tone, so heavily it might as well leak over the porcelain tiles and permanently stain them with pity.

“It is.” Jisung admits quietly. Hyunjin watches him for a second or so longer, before backing out of the bathroom.

“Twenty minutes.” He says once more, his voice quiet and gentle as he turns to leave.

Jisung doesn’t trust himself to touch anything. He’d left his phone in his bedroom, knowing all too well he’d be tempted to play on it, so he has nothing to do as he sits there impatiently. His eyes catch a spot of dye that Hyunjin had dropped onto his flannel, and he can’t help but stare at it until it begins to blur and fill his entire vision with a magnetised dark hue.

Jisung hadn’t intentionally worn Changbin’s shirt, it just so happened that Changbin had left it in the bottom of Jisung’s wardrobe, and Jisung needed something old to wear whilst Hyunjin dyed his hair. He hadn’t even _ noticed _it wasn’t his own until Hyunjin pointed it out, and when he did, Jisung isn’t sure if he wished he hadn’t or not.

The longer Jisung stares at the dye drip the more it stains in his mind, and Jisung hates the fact that it definitely won’t wash out and the dye will most likely be pigmented there forever. He’s so wrapped up in his thoughts, Jisung doesn’t realise the full twenty minutes have passed, and so promptly jumps in surprise when the shrill sound of the timer goes off on Hyunjin’s phone.

Hyunjin runs back into the bathroom, like a parent who left their child alone for too long without supervision.

“Time’s up.” Hyunjin informs him unnecessarily, “Hop in the shower.”

Jisung doesn’t respond as he kicks his clothes off and jumps into the shower, warm water feeling like a blessing after the long day he’s had. Classes followed by the revelation that his poetry had been published for the first time, followed by a call from Chris was too much to handle in one day. Jisung is just glad that the night is drawing closer, so the day will end soon.

“There’s freaking- god, it’s on my forehead, Jinnie.” Jisung stands in the middle of his room, dripping wet with only a towel around his waist, and pouting up at his best friend.

Hyunjin snorts, marvelling at the black stain on Jisung’s forehead, clearly amused by it.

“I guess the Aquaphor trick is fake.” Hyunjin laughs, pushing back Jisung’s floppy wet hair to inspect the stain he’s fretting about. “You can barely see it.” When Jisung glares, Hyunjin only laughs more. “Okay, okay, do you guys have a Windex?”

“Under the sink but wh-”

Hyunjin disappears from Jisung’s room before he can finish his sentence and Jisung sighs, too accustomed to this kind of behaviour from his best friend, so he drops his towel and begins to pull a pair of boxers over his legs. He’s just tying the drawstring of his sweatpants, chest still bare and hair still wet, when Changbin saunters in. Jisung doesn’t notice him at first- thinks it’s probably Hyunjin with his Windex- when Changbin clears his throat, and Jisung whips around quickly, indecisiveness about which shirt to wear to bed disappearing immediately.

“Hey,” Changbin says in his lazy drawl. “What’s the occasion?”

Jisung has no clue what Changbin is even talking about until he catches sight of his reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall, and his hands fly to his scalp like he’s only just realising it’s no longer dark blue, but instead the jet black of a vampire’s heart.

“No occasion.” Jisung replies as casually as possible, “Just needed a change. The blue was starting to fade.”

Changbin smiles,

“I liked the blue.” He says as he steps closer. Changbin reaches out a hand and pushes Jisung’s wet fringe off his forehead. Jisung feels the sudden urge to shake his hair back into his eyes, hyper aware of the terrible stain currently sitting just under his hairline, but he’s too frozen to move. “Black will always be my favourite though.”

Jisung wets his lips, tugs at his lip ring like he does when he’s feeling too nervous to do anything, and just as he gathers the courage to maybe respond with a poorly crafted sentence, Hyunjin walks through the door once more, a cloth in his right hand, Windex in his left.

Changbin jumps back, hands moving to dig into the back pockets of his jeans, like they had never touched Jisung at all. It’s only then that Jisung realises what Changbin is dressed in- black skinny jeans and a tight white shirt. Jisung knows this outfit, knows what it means, but he remains silent about it.

“Hey,” Changbin greets Hyunjin with the same lazy drawl he used on Jisung earlier, lips quirked up into the boyish smile that he wears better than any muscle-hugging outfit.

Hyunjin completely disregards Changbin’s greeting and walks over to Jisung instead, taking him by the shoulders and sitting him in his desk chair.

“Close your eyes.” He instructs. Jisung hears Hyunjin spray Windex onto (presumably) the cloth, and then feels the wet cloth come in contact with his skin. When Jisung opens his eyes, Changbin is still lingering, though he’s closer to the door now.

“You did a good job with his hair.” Changbin compliments, and Jisung shoots him a grateful smile whilst Hyunjin continues to completely ignore him, as if Changbin’s presence is no more human than the four walls that surround them.

“Hm, close your eyes again you have-”

“I’m going out.” Changbin cuts Hyunjin off, _ “Jisung.” _ He says pointedly, making a point of who he’s speaking to. Hyunjin tuts and rolls his eyes, like Changbin‘s company is now equal to a fly on the wall- something that can be heard buzzing in the back, but not significant enough to pay any attention to. “And I won’t be back tonight…” Jisung can _ hear _the leer in Changbin’s voice, and for the first time in his life he has no interest in Changbin’s plans and instead wishes he’d just leave. “…If you know what I mean.” Changbin continues.

Jisung’s gaze doesn’t move from the cloth in Hyunjin’s hand.

“Okay.” He says calmly. Changbin stands in the doorway for another moment, and Jisung slips his eyes shut to allow Hyunjin to dab more Windex onto his skin. When he opens his eyes once more, Changbin has gone.

“What the heck is his problem?” Hyunjin grumbles as he wipes at Jisung’s forehead with the water-dipped end of the cloth. Once he’s finished, Jisung stands and grabs the hairdryer from where it lies on his desk and plugs it in.

“You’re still mad at him for calling my poetry pathetic aren’t you?”

Hyunjin shrugs.

“Maybe so.”

“I _ told _you I don’t care. He didn’t know it was mine.”

“He still didn’t have to be an asshole about it.” Hyunjin says, “The Windex worked. What the hell was he talking about when he said he won’t be back?”

“Some girl he’s seeing,” Jisung mumbles, suddenly no longer interested in talking about his roommate. “From his business class or something. Think he went home with her that night of the party a few weeks ago- you know, the first time I text Chris” He pauses, “She’s pretty.”

“You’ve met her?”

“Kind of.”

Before Hyunjin can say anymore, Jisung switches the hairdryer on, and though he’s pretty sure Hyunjin _ does _say more, Jisung happily accepts the fact that he’s drowned out by noise anyway.

> _ I wish I knew what it was, _
> 
> _ what it is- that she has and I don’t _
> 
> _ Is it the brightness of her eyes, the curve of her smile? _
> 
> _ Maybe it’s the sway of her hips or the tinker of her giggle. _
> 
> _ Do I not shine as bright, laugh as loud, dream as big? _
> 
> _ Does she sing sweeter, dance better, sleep sounder? _
> 
> _ What does it mean, when you spend every morning in her presence and every night in her bed? _
> 
> _ What does it mean, when you’d clearly cross vast oceans and scorching deserts and everything in-between for her, but won’t step over a simple puddle for anybody else? _
> 
> _ I wish I knew what it was, _
> 
> _ what it is- that makes you love her like you’ll never love me. _
> 
> _ Yet all I do know is, _
> 
> _ she can’t love you, the way I do. _
> 
> _ For a love stronger than that, simply does not exist. _

\--

“Are you still not checking these?”

Jisung shrugs, peering over Hyunjin’s shoulder to watch him scroll through his Instagram dms. There’s clearly many more than the last time Jisung checked it-but Jisung hasn’t checked them in over a month. Ever since he’d been blessed with the privilege of being able to text and call Chris, he hadn’t seen the point of opening his Instagram dms.

Hyunjin clearly disagrees.

“I don’t have a need to.”

“Dude, you should really read some of these.” Hyunjin prompts, and when Jisung doesn’t move, Hyunjin begins to read a few out loud. _ “ _’Your poems are so good, you deserve an award for them’- I agree- ‘Your poetry is the only reason I still bother with Instagram- this person needs to follow Tom Holland’s Instagram- oh look at this, ‘Your poetry gave me the strength to confess to my crush, and now we’re together!’”

Jisung suddenly begins to pay attention, and he snatches his phone from Hyunjin’s grasp.

“That’s so cute, Ji.” Hyunjin gushes, “You scored someone a significant other!”

“Super cute.” Jisung mumbles, cheeks hot as he opens up the message and clicks on the chat box. His fingers hover for a moment, unsure of what to say before he begins to type, _ That’s great! I’m so glad I could help you make a move- all the best with your partner! _

Jisung isn’t necessarily foreign to the idea of people praising his poetry- he’s quite accustomed to it by now, even though he’s only appeared in two editions of The 9th so far. 

When the time for the next edition of the magazine had drawn close, Jisung had admitted that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to join for definite and Chris had accepted this easily, told Jisung that they could simply extend his trial period and continue to include him in the next issue until he made a final decision. Jisung had never felt more grateful, and today, a week before the third issue with Jisung’s poetry section was to be released, he had plans to meet up with Chris and tell him what resolution he’d come to.

“I think I’ll stay on.” Jisung tells Hyunjin when they’re in the car. “Like, for the magazine company. I think I’ll accept the permanent role.”

Hyunjin glances away from the road for a millisecond to shoot a smile in Jisung’s direction, one of pure delight,

“That’s great.” He says, “You really deserve this.”

Jisung can’t help but smile back, feeling more excited than he has in months. Unrequited crushes suck, but being _ paid _for having feelings doesn’t suck as bad.

Chris is already seated in his corner of the café when he arrives, and Jisung waves to Woojin behind the counter before making his way over to Chris’ table.

“Hey.” Chris greets him with his warm, signature smile and a disposable cup of hot chocolate. Jisung returns the greeting and accepts the drink, having learnt in the past that denying anything from Chris results in a pout and huge puppy eyes that he’s too weak to deal with.

“So I was thinking,” Chris snaps his laptop shut and turns his full attention to Jisung, “Well, Seungmin and I were thinking, that the topic of the next issue should combine nature with love? Like any kind of nature, not necessarily _ earthly _nature, even like- the universe, solar systems and shit, but link it to love? How does that sound?”

“It sounds great!” Jisung answers excitedly, knowing how easy it is to compare Changbin’s eyes to the stars and his presence to pretty flowers. “Who’s Seungmin?”

“Oh right- he does the photography section of The 9th. His photos are amazing, don’t you think?”

Jisung feels his cheeks colour, and he hesitantly takes a sip of his drink, hissing when it burns his tongue. Chris looks bewildered.

“I don’t- well, I haven’t actually picked up a copy of the magazine yet.”

Chris narrows his eyes,

“You haven’t?”

“No- wait, it’s not that, like, I don’t want to support it- I think Hyunjin has like, all the editions since you guys started, but I just- it feels weird? And it makes me a little anxious, to- you know- see my work in a magazine. Even though you kept me anonymous, which I really appreciate, I just don’t really have the guts to see my own work in print?”

Jisung expects Chris to be annoyed, maybe even angry, but instead his face melts into a smile, and a look of understanding encompasses his features.

“I get it.” He says softly, “I sometimes hate looking at my own name printed over the music section too.”

Jisung raises an eyebrow,

“You do a music section?”

“Wow,” Chris whistles lowly, then begins to rummage through his bag, “You really haven’t read any of it have you?”

Jisung shakes his head, then freezes, befuddled as Chris tugs a magazine out of his bag.

“Don’t freak out.” Chris says, chuckling slightly at Jisung’s expression, “We can skip your section if it makes you uncomfortable. But I _ do _want to show you what everyone else works on.”

The cover of the magazine is interesting, and it seems to make sense when Chris bashfully admits he designed it. The words _The 9__th_ are printed in bold lettering across the middle, with doodles scribbled in the background, much like a high-school student’s notebook. There are odd words dotted around it also, such as _poetry_ and _photography _and Jisung wonders how he ever resisted picking up an edition until now. The front cover itself is truly appealing.

Chris opens the cover to reveal a contents page, which he ignores completely and turns to the next page. The word _ Insomnia _is scrawled across the top in a graffiti-like font, and Jisung gapes when Chris tells him he designed it.

“That’s _ your _writing?” He gawks.

“Heavily digitally edited, but yeah.” Chris laughs, “Anyway I have the song rec page which is mostly just recommendations for people who can’t sleep because insomnia’s a bitch.”

Jisung takes the magazine from Chris’ grasp and trails his eyes down the list of songs on the page. There isn’t any more than seven or eight, but Chris explains he recommends the same amount every month in hopes of their readers checking them all out rather than just picking a few from a list of twenty.

The next page is Jisung’s poetry page which is titled _ GLOW. _The design for the header is once again created by Chris, and Jisung begins to wonder just how many talents this boy has.

“This is Seungmin’s page.” Chris says as he hastily turns over from the poetry. Jisung is grateful that everything Chris does is in the best interest of Jisung’s comfort. _ “Young Wings.” _ Chris reads aloud. Jisung is in awe. Seungmin’s photography is _ phenomenal. _It seems that his pictures fit perfectly with the first month’s topic of unrequited love, photos of abandoned flower bouquets and broken chocolates fill the page.

“Wow.” Jisung breathes, “He’s _ good.” _

“He is.” Chris smiles, “He’s a photography major so like, it’s expected.”

Jisung traces his fingers over Seungmin’s photos, mouth hanging open slightly at the beautiful way in which each one has been captured. He’s so engrossed in appreciating its beauty, he misses the fond looks Chris shoots him as he does so.

The next page is filled with advice, a column called S_ chool Life, _ which Jisung is surprised to find out is run by Woojin, and then the final section is filled with puzzles and mazes, a section rightfully named _ maze of memories. _Chris informs Jisung that Jeongin makes the quizzes page, and he is (unsurprisingly) the youngest of their team.

“So do all you guys meet up and add your shit in?” Jisung asks as he sips his drink. It had run cold a long time ago, but his throat is parched and he’d feel terrible wasting something that Chris had bought him.

“Oh no, not at all.” Chris laughs as he slides the magazine across the table, gesturing for Jisung to take it. Jisung doesn’t. “We’re all college students who barely have time to sleep; most of the time they just e-mail their monthly contributions to me and I sort it.”

“So do you major in like- journalism or something? Graphic design?” Jisung asks, curiosity taking over at last. Chris looks mildly pleased, before he shakes his head and scratches the back of his neck,

“No actually.” He smiles, “I major in music production.”

“That’s so cool!” Jisung exclaims, “My roommate majors in music too.”

“Interesting.” Chris says, before he clears his throat and gestures towards the magazine once more, “Take it.” He tells Jisung, “Maybe one day you’ll gain the courage to open it up and see your own section. It really is something to be proud of.”

Jisung sighs, but accepts the magazine anyway, thanking Chris softly as he does so.

“I hope so.”

\--

“Did you bring it?”

Changbin nods, jogging over to where Felix stands in the corner of the dance hall by the CD player.

“You’re a lifesaver.” Felix says, taking the disc from Changbin and slotting it into the player. “Hyunjin has it on his flash drive, but he’s busy doing shit with Jisung.” Felix rolls his eyes at this, and Changbin bites down on his bottom lip to keep from laughing. Felix’s jealousy is so obvious it’s almost _ painful _to watch. Changbin can only hope that he and Hyunjin will sort out their feelings quickly.

“They’ve been spending a lot of time together recently, haven’t they?” Changbin observes, watching Felix push some buttons on the player. It’s the wrong thing to say because Felix freezes, then straightens up, eyebrows knitting together.

“They’re best friends.” Felix says slowly, “Of course they’ll spend time together.”

“I know but- well-” Changbin pauses, trying to put the words he wants to say into a sentence that won’t feel like a dagger through Felix’s heart. “They’ve been spending more time together than they used to.” He says, “We used to hang out together a lot- the three of us- but recently it seems more like just the two of them? And Hyunjin comes over a lot. They spend time together in Jisung’s room often.” He pauses. Swallows. “With the door closed.”

Felix turns away from the CD player completely to face Changbin, and Changbin wishes he’d said literally _ anything _ else because Felix doesn’t look upset or betrayed, rather he looks nothing short of _ livid. _His eyes burn with rage and his mouth sits in a simple straight line, and Changbin thinks if Jisung were here right now, Felix would have bitten a chunk out of him or something.

“Fucker.” Felix mutters, and Changbin hates that he feels slightly gleeful, slightly happy at the prospect of Felix being annoyed with Hyunjin as well as Jisung. It’s petty really, how he had also grown annoyed with the amount of time Jisung was spending with Hyunjin, as well as whatever secrets the two were keeping between them, but frankly he was tired of it. And Hyunjin cutting him off every time he spoke, clearly blanking him with no explanation whatsoever, only added fuel to Changbin’s growing fire.

Changbin is about to say something more when a voice behind them cuts him off. He spins around to see Minho walking into the studio, smile wide on his handsome face.

“Hey Changbin!” Minho claps him on the shoulder, and even though Changbin really only knows Minho through Felix and Hyunjin, he’s pleased to know that Minho is friendly enough to greet him like a close acquaintance.

“Hey.” Changbin responds, eyes darting to Felix who is now sporting a smile at the sight of Minho. When Felix turns back to the CD player, Minho addresses Changbin once more.

“Are you staying to watch us?”

“I might if you don’t-” Changbin trails off at the sound of an incoming text, and he pulls his phone out of his pocket, grinning when he sees the message. “Maybe not.” He smirks.

Felix rolls his eyes.

“Is it that fuck buddy of yours?”

“Maybe.” Changbin says, smirk not budging, “Said their roommate will be gone for an hour so- I’ll catch you guys another time. Good luck!” He yells as he runs out of the room.

Minho watches him leave with raised eyebrows an unspoken question on his tongue, before turning back to Felix.

“Shall we start?”

Jisung can feel the wind in his hair as soon as he steps outside, and he shudders as he brings his jacket closer around him. Summer had long since been swept away, but in its place there was a funny sort of season, the transition between fall and summer, which meant odd days of sunshine that brought strong winds and heavy downpours at night. Jisung enjoyed falling asleep to the sound of rain, but he hated walking across muddy campus grounds the day after.

Jisung almost slips in a puddle when Felix approaches him, because the look on Felix’s face looks ten times more dangerous than any of the water pooling under his feet.

“Hey.” Jisung says, hoping to sound as casual as possible, but it ends up sounding timid and a little bit pathetic. Felix simply continues to look at him, and Jisung thinks about diving head first into the gross puddle because he may not have known Felix as long as he’s known Hyunjin, but he’s known him long enough to be able to tell when he’s angry. Currently, Felix is _ very _angry. “Is there something you need?” Jisung asks as gently as possible, like Felix is a lion about to jump on its prey (Jisung.)

“I _need _you to stop stealing people from me.” Felix hisses. Jisung blinks.

“Come again?”

“Look, Jisung, you’re _ clearly _smitten for Changbin, so I don’t see why you’ve resorted to pining after Hyunjin. He doesn’t like you like that, even if you’ve been friends for like thirty five years.”

Jisung blinks once more. Felix thinks he’s trying to _ steal _Hyunjin from him?

“I don’t understand.” Jisung says slowly, “Why would you think that?”

“Because it’s so obvious!” Felix snaps, and now he’s clearly _ fuming. _Jisung can’t help but feel afraid. After Hyunjin, he always classed Felix as his closest friend, someone who understood him and could resonate with him. But now, standing in the shitty weather under some shitty tree with rain puddles beneath their feet and strong winds above their heads, Felix has never felt like more of a stranger.

Felix mistakes Jisung’s silence for confirmation, or maybe pride, Jisung isn’t sure, because he suddenly spits out more words that dig into his chest and twist into place, causing their full pain to be felt.

_ “Just because _ your _ crush doesn’t pay any attention to you doesn’t mean you can pine after _mine!”

Jisung feels like he’s been slapped. Felix, clearly realising he’s allowed himself to say more than what is acceptable, reels back too, hand over his mouth as if in shock of himself. It sounds like he’s about to apologise, but Jisung feels like he’s heard enough, so he turns and walks away, ignoring Felix’s calls from behind him.

Because maybe Felix is right. Maybe Changbin really does pay no attention to him. And maybe he never will.

_ “Tell me, Jisung.” _Hyunjin whines. Jisung shoots him a look with the most neutral expression he can muster,

“Tell you what?”

“What’s wrong!” Hyunjin sighs, “And _ don’t _you dare say ‘nothing’ again because you literally look like the saddest person right now.”

Jisung rolls his eyes,

“I _ am _the saddest person, Hyunjin. Have you seen my Instagram?”

_ “Jisung-” _

Hyunjin is cut off by Jisung’s phone going off, and Jisung seizes the opportunity to keep Hyunjin distracted as he checks it.

“It’s Chris.” Jisung observes, “Wants to meet up again soon to discuss the next issue dropping tomorrow.”

“It’s the 9th again already?” Hyunjin asks, and when Jisung shows him the date on his lock screen he whistles lowly, “Time really flies huh.”

“Do you want to come too?” Jisung asks after a moment of thought. Hyunjin cocks his head to the left, like some kind of intrigued puppy. 

“Don’t I always?”

“No I mean like- _ with me _with me. To meet Chris.”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen,

“Really? But why-”

“I’m always talking about you to him and him to you.” Jisung explains, “You might as well get acquainted. Especially considering you’ll be my manager someday.”

Hyunjin throws a pillow at Jisung’s head, but agrees to come along anyway.

Jisung emerges from his room once Hyunjin leaves in the late evening, to dispose of the empty takeout cartons, surprised to find Changbin in the kitchen, head stuck inside the fridge.

It’s strange, how he shares a home with Changbin, how they split the rent and any bills all the way down to the Netflix subscription, but have barely seen one another in the last two months or so. Jisung supposes he’s been busy with his magazine, and Changbin had been spending most of his time with the friend (with benefits) that he’d gloated about to Jisung the day he dyed his hair.

But seeing Changbin in a pair of sweatpants, hair slightly ruffled and eyes tired, Jisung wonders how he’s kept away for so long. Because best friends and poetry can only keep a person distracted for so long. A muse will always be the source of the art, and to Jisung, that’s exactly what Changbin is- the source of his art.

“Bad day?” Jisung asks gently, when Changbin emerges from the fridge looking disgruntled. Changbin shrugs,

“I guess.” He sighs, “And this stupid place has no food.”

Jisung crack a smile, then before he can think about it further, begins to reach for his keys.

“Come on,” He says, “let’s go shopping.”

There’s a 24-hour supermarket that’s conveniently close to their apartment, and Changbin and Jisung load the cart with way more groceries than they need. Changbin _ insists _that they start to actually cook food rather than just relying on take-away pizza, and even though Jisung knows he will die twice before he can make a decent meal, he follows Changbin’s orders anyway.

When they reach the counter their cart is piled high with fresh produce, various packs of meat and even things in cans that Jisung doesn’t have the faintest clue what’s inside them. Changbin however, seems happy, so when the cashier announces the final price, for the first time, Jisung pulls his card out to pay.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Changbin says as they wheel their shopping out of the supermarket. “I know that Starbucks place never called you back.”

Jisung shrugs,

“It’s fine.” He pauses, “Plus, I’m not _ completely _unemployed.”

Changbin stops, eyes wide as he looks at Jisung in wonder,

“Really? That’s great Ji! Where are you working?”

“It’s just- just a trial thing right now, and I don’t really want to get my hopes up about it but- I’ll tell you. When it’s definite.”

Despite their pact to start eating proper meals, the pair end up at a corner store, eyes falling on the instant ramen section and sharing a silent exchange to satisfy their stomachs with that instead.

There’s the gentle pitter-patter of rain, but they take their food outside anyway, sitting at the tented tables to shield them from the heaven’s tears.

It’s quiet as they eat, the only sound being of them slurping and the soft rain falling around them. Jisung can feel a chill starting to spread in his bones, and when he shivers, Changbin wordlessly pulls his leather jacket off his own form and hands it over.

“Aren’t you cold?” Jisung asks as he takes it from him and slips it on. It’s warm inside, because Changbin always is, and the warmth fights off the chill almost immediately.

“Not as cold as you.” Changbin says, before he stands and takes Jisung’s empty bowl, as well as his own, to dispose of them.

When Changbin returns he suggests a walk, and despite the fact that Jisung is feeling incredibly tired and that he has a class pretty early the next morning, he says none of this and instead walks by Changbin’s side.

The rain had stopped falling for the time being, but its smell and its remnants remain, both in the air and on the ground. The pair reach the bridge, and Jisung loves the way the river shines after being rained upon, like it will always accept more of itself.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Hyunjin lately.” Changbin says once they reach the curve of the bridge, arms resting against the ledge, eyes set in front of him.

“Yeah.” Jisung admits, “I’ve been helping him out with some… some school stuff.”

Changbin nods, and when he doesn’t say anything more, Jisung rushes to joke.

“Jealous?” he teases.

“Sure.” Changbin snorts, then he turns away from the water to face Jisung. Jisung can’t help but feel embarrassed about the fact that he’s already looking at him. “Felix definitely is.”

“I know.” Jisung says quietly, averting his eyes. “He is.”

Changbin narrows his eyes,

“What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing-”

_ “Jisung.” _

The tone Changbin uses leaves no room for an argument, and Jisung makes a quick mental decision before sighing and deciding to come (slightly) clean.

“He confronted me today. Said some- pretty awful things- because he thought I’m stealing Hyunjin from him or whatever.”

Changbin clenches his fists.

“I’ll kill him.”

“You won’t.” Jisung rolls his eyes, “Felix is like. Five. You won’t even touch him.”

“He can’t just-”

“It’s _ fine, _Changbin.” Jisung sighs, “I can fight my own battles. Chill out.” They’re silent for a few more minutes and Jisung knows Changbin is still heated, still thinking about Felix, so he attempts to divert the conversation. “How did the project end up then? You know, with your AWOL partner?”

Changbin’s eyes grow wide for such a short second, Jisung is pretty sure he missed it, but then Changbin grows very quiet and very still, like Jisung just ripped a huge bandaid off a wound that was nowhere near healed.

“It went okay.” Changbin says eventually, voice quiet and slightly uneven. “We should get back.”

The walk back to the car is quiet, but not the way it was when they were enjoying their ramen, and Jisung can’t help but feel like he’s said something off, like he’s pried too much into something that doesn’t concern him. It frustrates him further when he realises he can’t even figure out what he said wrong. 

\--

“Are you sure he said twelve?” Hyunjin asks, checking his watch for the third time in the forty minutes they’ve been sitting there. Jisung nods, feeling equally exasperated but not wanting to show it. It isn’t like Chris to be late- in fact, Chris is usually there before Jisung, so he has no idea what the boy could possibly be caught up in right now. Woojin isn’t working currently, so Jisung doesn’t even have that option. He’s tired of texting Chris and asking him if he’s going to come anytime soon, and clearly Hyunjin is too with the way he keeps glancing around the café, uncomfortable under the barristers’ gazes.

“Maybe he’ll turn up in-” Jisung’s voice is cut off by his phone going off, and he sighs in relief when he sees it’s the one person he’s been trying to reach for the last quarter of an hour.

“Jisung!” Chris speaks before Jisung can, and Jisung, startled, doesn’t say anything back. “I’m so sorry, you’re probably waiting- are you waiting?”

“Yeah, me and Hyunjin.” Jisung manages to find his voice.

“Hyunj- ? Oh right, Hyunjin.” Chris pauses, then nervous laughter follows, “Funny story but- well, I seem to have misplaced my keys, and my roommate is out with his boyfriend so I can’t really _ leave, _otherwise I’ll be locked out.”

“Oh,” Jisung isn’t quite sure what he’s supposed to say. Does he suggest cancelling their plans? Tell Chris to meet again another day? Though Jisung was looking forward to meeting him again today…

“Tell you what,” Chris pipes up, like he can sense Jisung’s disappointment, “You guys can just come down here.”

“Down there?” Jisung asks, making sure he’s heard right.

“Yeah! Bring Hyunjin too, you guys can just chill here for a bit- if that’s alright?”

Jisung gnaws on his bottom lip, ignoring Hyunjin’s demanding gestures to know what’s going on.

“Sure,” Jisung says eventually. “Text me the address.”

Jisung isn’t quite sure how he manages to get his legs to stop shaking enough to walk out of the café and into Hyunjin’s car. He feels like an intruder, driving to Chris’ house, horribly aware of the fact that he and Chris barely _ know _each other and now he’s dragging a friend with him to Chris’ apartment.

Hyunjin attempts to calm Jisung’s nerves, reminding him that there’s no way Chris would have invited them if he was uncomfortable with the idea of them being in his apartment.

Hyunjin whistles like a silly teenage boy when they reach the apartment complex, and Jisung momentarily forgets his nerves to slap him on the shoulder- though the building is whistle worthy.

It’s a high rise building with a lot of grass area out front, clean and mowed, like it’s taken care of every day- unlike what Changbin and Jisung refer to as the ‘wasteland’ in front of their own apartment building.

“You never told me he’s rich.” Hyunjin says quietly as they step out of the car, and Jisung rolls his eyes.

“Because I didn’t _ know.” _Then he pauses to shove a giggling Hyunjin once he realises what he’s admitted to.

The boys reach the floor of Chris’ own apartment and just as Jisung is about to raise his fist to knock, the door swings open and an energetic little puppy comes racing out and dashes down the hall.

“Berry!” A voice yells that Jisung doesn’t recognise, and before anything can be done, said boy is running out the door and after the dog. Chris appears a moment later, looking completely put-together considering the scene that just unfurled in front of Jisung and Hyunjin. He smiles lazily at them both.

“Sorry about the commotion.” He says, “Come in.”

Jisung doesn’t have the time to feel the typical awkward energy he experiences when visiting someone’s place for the first time, because Chris is clearing a space on his couch and bringing them drinks from the kitchen without even asking, all whilst talking a mile a minute about one thing or the other.

“That was Seungmin.” He informs them, taking the seat opposite them and nudging various bottles and cans of soda in their direction, “You remember me talking about him, right Jisung?” he doesn’t wait for Jisung to nod, simply turns to face Hyunjin, “You must be Hyunjin- it’s great to meet you, Jisung doesn’t stop talking about you. Seungmin will be back in a moment- he’s the magazine’s photographer.”

_ “The _photographer?” Hyunjin gapes, “Of the 9th?”

Chris beams,

“Yes!”

“His photos are _ so _good, I love his style-”

“Thank you.”

Hyunjin pauses, a blush growing high in his cheeks as he turns to face Seungmin, standing behind him, now with the puppy in his arms. Jisung can’t help but laugh at the situation.

“Seungmin!” Chris calls, clearly trying to hold back his own laughter too. The dog in Seungmin’s arms bounces right out, and into Chris’ lap who laughs delightedly. “Meet Berry.” He says to Hyunjin and Jisung. Jisung squints. The dog looks awfully familiar.

“Is that-” Jisung’s voice makes Chris turn his attention away from Berry and Jisung feels suddenly shy under the attention.

“Is that- ?” Chris prompts.

“Nothing I just- feel like I’ve seen your dog before.”

Chris smiles then, nuzzling his nose against Berry’s as he speaks.

“Berry likes to yap outside people’s houses until they pay attention to her.” Chris grins, “It’s her favourite past time activity.”

“She gets it from her owner.” Seungmin cuts in, clearly still annoyed with the dog- and by the looks of it- Chris, too.

“Shut up.” Chris snaps, but there’s a smile on his face when he says it. “Seungmin has a habit of saying everything that’s on his mind.”

“And Chris has a habit of saying everything that isn’t.” Seungmin smiles sweetly. Chris swats at him before suggesting they get started on their discussions with the next topic, and Jisung decides in that moment that he quite likes Seungmin- and if the content smile on his face is anything to go by, Hyunjin does too.

“-so there’s going to be a bit of an overlapping theme? If that makes sense.” Chris concludes. Jisung nods vigorously, having listened to Chris’ small speech attentively the whole time he was speaking. Chris Bang has a way with words, something that encompasses a person and makes them want to listen- and Jisung will never cease to be impressed by the skill.

“It makes sense.” Jisung confirms, smiling when Chris does too. He’s about to add to his comment, he even has a question at the tip of his tongue, but his stomach overpowers his voice and makes a terribly embarrassing sound. Jisung blushes all the way to the tips of his toes, and Chris lets out surprised laughter, which he tries to cover with the palm of his hand.

“Sorry,” Jisung squeaks, and Chris only laughs more.

“It’s fine, Ji.” Chris grins “You’re probably hungry- do you want lunch?” before Jisung can either agree or refuse, Chris calls out to Seungmin and Hyunjin who had been in the kitchen, entertaining Berry, their loud laughter carrying through the apartment every few minutes. It pleased Jisung to know they had gotten on so well.

“Can you guys go and grab lunch?” Chris asks when both boys emerge. Seungmin pulls a face.

“We can’t order in?”

“We can’t.” Chris says, with a tone that screams such finality, Seungmin simply agrees and takes his card.

When the door closes behind Hyunjin and Seungmin, Chris lies back on the couch, shirt riding up slightly as he stretches.

“Have you got any ideas for the nature topic?” Chris asks offhandedly, and Jisung feels like he’s been put on the spot for a moment, before he remembers the random piece he had started writing before his class the previous day.

“I do,” Jisung says, “It’s in my phone.”

_ Because even if all the stars aligned, to make a sequence of brightness, _

_ they still wouldn’t outshine the beauty that you possess _

_ Because not even the drops of blood in my body, _

_ are enough to count the reasons why you mean so much to me _

_ Because your dark eyes glimmer like drips of chocolate just as it melts, _

_ and your smile reminds me of the dip of the sun just above the horizon, _

_ so subtle, yet still so bright _

_ Because if you asked me as a kid what I want to be, _

_ I’d have replied with ‘a fire-fighter’, _

_ but if you ask me now, _

_ I’d say ‘yours.’ _

“Wow.” Chris breathes when he’s done reading. Jisung squirms, not quite sure what Chris’ intense gaze means.

“It’s just a rough draft.” Jisung explains, “It could be better.”

“No- no, it’s really good.” Chris smiles, “You really have a way with words.”

Jisung allows a small smile.

“Thank you.” He says softly.

“Do you have a muse?” Chris asks as he sits up, “Like, do you write about particular people? Or a person?”

Jisung swallows, wondering how exactly he can avoid this question without blatantly lying. Whilst it’s true that not _ all _of his poetry revolves around Changbin (he’s definitely angry scribbled words about corrupt governments and climate change in the past) it’s no secret that Changbin is the muse for most of his best works. But admitting that out loud, showing how truly pathetic his crush is, is not something he’d like to disclose in front of someone as cool and collected as Chris Bang.

“I don’t.” Jisung says eventually, “Just from what I read in books or see in movies.”

“Impressive.” Chris swings his legs over the side of the couch, then stands up, holding out a hand for Jisung to take. “Those two seem to be taking their time, and I never gave you a tour. Do you want one?”

Jisung, realising this is an easy escape from the muse conversation, accepts both- Chris’ invitation and his outstretched hand.

“That’s Berry’s corner, because she sleeps in here more than in the kitchen, which drives my roommate mad.” Chris says as he pushes open the door to his room, “But the rest of the space is mine.”

Chris’ room is fairly large for a two-bedroom apartment, but it’s expected with the luxury of the rest of the complex. There’s a bed pushed against the wall in the middle of the room, under huge windows that have been left open, a light breeze passing through and ruffling the curtains. There’s a desk next to his wardrobe, as well as a nightstand next to the bed.

“I have a lot of stuff.” Chris explains, as Jisung traces his fingers over the various figures and books sitting on Chris’ window sill. He pauses when he sees a bracelet sitting on the nightstand, and he frowns, before grinning.

“This bracelet.” He tells Chris, “My roommate has one just like it.”

The bracelet is a silver chain, simple yet expensive-looking. Jisung knows the one that Changbin owns was a gift from his sister, and he wears it with pride. Jisung doesn’t think he’s ever seen Changbin without it.

Chris raises an eyebrow before his eyes land on what Jisung is referring to and he laughs slightly as he walks over.

“That? Oh that’s- yeah. That exists.” Hastily, Chris shoves it inside the open drawer before hitting it shut with his thigh. “Do you want to watch TV?” He asks as he begins to walk out of the bedroom and back into the living room. Jisung simply follows. “I have no idea where those two have gotten to- you’re probably not even hungry anymore.”

Jisung pats his stomach, shaking his head as he realises that he is indeed no longer hungry, not because of the lengthy time that Hyunjin and Seungmin were spending getting their food, but rather because of how distracted he’d been following Chris around his apartment on his mini tour, taking in everything that he was being told.

“This is like- peak drama time.” Chris laughs as they settle against the couch, “Literally _ every _channel airs silly rom-coms at this time.”

“Really?” Jisung says, “I have no clue what they show on TV at what time – all I use our television for is Netflix.”

Chris laughs heartily, clearly amused, before quietening down and turning on some random romance drama.

Jisung is pretty intrigued by the plot, falling in love with the main characters almost immediately and following their storyline eagerly. He hopes he doesn’t forget to ask Chris for the title of the drama later, as even the soundtrack is beautiful. When Jisung reaches for the remote to turn the volume up, he notices that Chris is barely paying attention to the TV, and when he dwells on it, he doesn’t actually think Chris has been paying any attention to it _ at all. _

“Chris?” Jisung says gently, so he doesn’t startle him. Chris startles anyway, eyes snapping into focus as he looks straight at Jisung,

“Sorry- sorry,” He laughs shakily, “Zoned out.”

“That’s oka-”

“Shit,” Chris pauses to lick his lips and Jisung finds himself frozen. “You’re _ so _pretty.”

Jisung stills. Did he hear that right?

Jisung isn’t quite sure what to make of it. He’s thought of Chris as attractive since the day they met, in his monochrome outfits and dark hair, piercing eyes and contagious laugh- but he’d never thought to go anywhere with it. He was pining over Changbin after all, and having _ two _crushes just sounded incredibly exhausting, for both his mind and his hands.

When Jisung looks back at Chris he’s incredibly close, and Jisung has all the will power to move away, to back off, to push _ Chris _away, but he doesn’t. In fact, Jisung only moves closer, their noses brushing as the gap between them gets smaller.

Jisung can feel the brush of Chris’ lips, his slight exhale, the scent of his skin and the tickle of his hair. Jisung moves in, eyes slipping closed-

“We’re back! Sorry for the wait!”

Chris and Jisung spring away from one another, avoiding each other's gaze as Seungmin and Hyunjin walk into the compound.

“There was a huge queue.” Seungmin explains as he begins to pull things out of a bag, Hyunjin following, “I knew we should have ordered in.”

Jisung feels too dazed to move, utterly confused about what just happened, but unable to think about it with the sudden commotion going on around them.

“Yeah,” Chris clears his throat when his voice comes out slightly croaky, “We’ll order next time.”

**

An empty apartment feels strange when you’re so accustomed to company. For the past three years that Changbin has spent living with Jisung, there’s always been some kind of life in their home. Whether it be Hyunjin’s infectious laugh coming from Jisung’s bedroom, or Felix’s whines coming from the living room, or even Jisung himself, sobbing over some drama in front of the TV. Where there’s Jisung, there’s life. Noise. Sound. Things that Changbin didn’t realise he was taking for granted until they stopped so suddenly.

It isn’t like he doesn’t enjoy peace and quiet, like serene environments make him feel eerie, it’s simply the fact that still and silent just isn’t something he’s accustomed to.

Before Jisung, Changbin enjoyed peace. He liked to be alone, to spend long hours holed up in his room, reading books and writing lyrics. Noisy video games and dramatic TV shows were never his forte until he met Jisung- bright, energetic and full of life, it was impossible to simply pass the days in silence when life existed in people like Jisung. In fact, Changbin feels that if life were to be personified, if its pleasures and tranquilities and greatest enjoyments were to be transferred into a person- that person would be Han Jisung

But ever since Han Jisung decided that Changbin wasn’t worth his time anymore, that he didn’t matter enough to spread his light in all the dark corners of Changbin’s life, like he’d obliviously been doing this whole time, Changbin went back to his old ways of peace. He spent a lot of time in his room, in fact, he’s pretty sure there had been times where he’d spent so long in his room, Jisung didn’t even know he was home. He wrote lyrics and made music, and did things he enjoyed all without the person who he enjoyed doing these activities with the most.

Changbin also feels like he’s missing out on Jisung’s life. He rarely knows what the boy is up to these days, even though they _ live _together. It seems at this point that he and Jisung simply sleep in the same apartment to pay the rent and buy food whenever they spend enough time at home to develop hunger. There’s a lot Changbin doesn’t know about Jisung now. Doesn’t know where he is, what he’s doing- even what his new job is. Changbin knows for a fact that Jisung is earning money somewhere, somehow, because he hasn’t missed out on his turn to pay the bills for months now, and buying groceries doesn’t bring out the tantrums that they used to. Between Changbin’s crummy retail job and Jisung’s unemployed ass (no matter how hard he tried to find a job, bless him) the two were just about scraping by. Now, it seems like they could live in this apartment forever without a worry, yet if it comes with the cost of never seeing Jisung around anymore, Changbin would rather move out tomorrow.

When Changbin walks into the living room, he needs to blink a few times to visualise it properly. It’s been a long while since he stepped into this room- he has no reason to be in here if Jisung isn’t. Everything looks the same, the couch he’s spent too many nights on, the coffee table covered in various papers and a game console, the TV, shut off. Their PlayStation lies underneath it in the glass cabinet, and Changbin’s fingers itch to play, aware that he’s never really played without Jisung before. There doesn’t seem to be a point if the only noise comes from the TV.

Changbin looks behind the couch and under the coffee table and even through all the magazine racks, but he cannot find the controller. Jisung was definitely the last one to use it, but did he really have to be _ such _a mess that he can’t even put it back with the rest of the console?

When he’s rifled through all their drawers (yes, even the kitchen ones) Changbin makes the split second decision to go and search for it in Jisung’s room. He isn’t sure _ why _he’s so intent on finding the controller- he could easily phone Jisung and ask if he knows where it is, but something tells him that Jisung probably won’t answer, and something else- a bigger part- tells him that it’s the perfect excuse to go in Jisung’s room, considering he hasn’t stepped foot in there since his little tiff with Hyunjin.

Jisung’s room, much like the living room, is just how Changbin expected. Everything out of place and messy, just the way Jisung likes it. Changbin’s eyes scan the room for the controller, and he sees it almost immediately- sitting atop Jisung’s desk. As he walks over to grab it, Changbin’s eyes catch something unusual, and he shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t, but Jisung has never really seemed bothered with Changbin going through his things before, so he eases it out from under the controller and picks it up.

The words _The 9__th_ stare back at him, and Changbin is momentarily confused, before he realises it’s a magazine. He never knew Jisung was the magazine type- well, magazines that weren’t editions of _Writers and Artists._

Changbin turns to a random page filled with pictures, pretty pictures with the perfect focus, and though Changbin doesn’t have the slightest knowledge about photography, he can tell the photographer of these photos is definitely talented. He turns back a page and finds the word _ GLOW _printed across the top and as he begins to read he realises it’s a poem.

“Wow.” Changbin breathes, enamoured by the beauty of the poet’s words.

_ I know you’ll never love me, the way I love you _

_ and I know you’ll never think of me the way I think of you _

_ Because I know so many other people who are prettier and smarter than me think this way too _

_ And I know you’ll pick the blondest girl with the bluest eyes, _

_ and I know you’ll pick the tallest girl with the slimmest waist, _

_ and I know you’ll pick the prettiest girl with the prettiest face _

_ And it’s okay that you don’t think of me at 3am, _

_ and it’s okay that my very existence will probably never cross your mind, _

_ and it’s okay that you’ll never smile at me the way you smile at her, _

_ It’s okay. _

** _And that’s what I’ll keep telling myself._ **

** ** _ It’s okay. _

_ -J.O _

_ “What the fuck are you doing?” _

Changbin drops the magazine onto the desk like it’s hot iron as he turns to face Jisung standing in the doorway, absolutely fuming.

“I- I was just-” Changbin holds up the controller, still clutched in his left hand, as if to offer an explanation, though he knows it’s of no use because Jisung’s rage doesn’t falter.

“Get out!” Jisung yells, _ “Leave! Go!” _

“Jisung-” Changbin attempts to apologise, but the boy is clearly so angry, he doesn’t hear a word of it.

“Just _ go _Changbin.”

Changbin rushes out of the room, feeling ridiculously intimidated, although he’s never felt _ scared _ of Jisung in his life. Jisung is brightness and sunshine, he’s joy and happiness- he is _ not _whatever that was. It’s never mattered to Jisung before when Changbin went through his things, because he never had anything to hide, but now it seems he’s hiding a lot more than Changbin ever thought possible.

Changbin sighs as he walks back into the living room, the light of the game console still blinking away, demanding his attention. Changbin sighs as he switches it off and retreats to his room- almost bursting into tears when he looks down at his hand and notices the controller still clutched tightly in his palm.

Jisung doesn’t speak to Changbin for three days, and after the first forty-eight hours Changbin comes to the realisation that he probably deserved it. He really shouldn’t have gone through Jisung’s things, even if it was okay in the past, and Jisung had every right to be mad. When Changbin tries to explain this to Jisung, with a sincere apology and hope in his eyes, Jisung simply brushes him off and grunts a _ whatever. _

So Changbin stops trying.

It’s around midday when Changbin’s phone goes off and he groans, all prepared to ignore whoever the hell is calling him, when he checks the Caller ID and sees Felix’s name flash across the screen. He frowns. Felix only ever texts him.

“What is it?” Changbin grumbles, not bothering to greet him chirpily like he usually would. He’s tired and irritated and the whole world deserves to feel his wrath- including Lee Felix.

“Check your texts.” Felix says, ignoring Changbin’s foul mood, “Right now.”

“I really don’t-”

_ “Check them.” _Felix growls and even though he’s not in front of him, Changbin is pretty frightened. He opens his texts as per Felix’s request, frowning when all he sees is a link from Felix himself.

“Why did you link me to-?”

“Do you _ ever _shut up?” Felix sighs, clearly impatient, “Just open it.”

Changbin follows the Instagram link, frowning when all that comes up is an account with a monochrome theme. Then he notices it.

The page is filled with poems, the odd picture of a pen or paper, but the majority of it filled with original literature. Changbin checks the username and his heart almost sinks. _ J.One. _

“Is that…” Changbin trails off, not wanting to say it out loud.

“Jisung?” Felix responds, clearly not bothered, “I think it is. And I bet all this shit is about Hyunjin.”

Pieces slowly start to fit together in Changbin’s mind, like an ancient jigsaw puzzle. Hyunjin spending more time at their place, the magazine in Jisung’s room- had Jisung been getting published? Is that where the money was coming from?

Changbin decides this is too much for his mind to take at one time and tells Felix he’ll call him back later, though he’s pretty sure he won’t. Changbin has a million questions floating through his head- why didn’t Jisung tell him? Was he embarrassed? Ashamed? Did he think Changbin would laugh or judge him? It stings to know that Jisung doesn’t trust Changbin as much as he initially thought he did, and it stings more to know that this revelation didn’t even come from Jisung himself.

Changbin can’t even begin to imagine what Felix is currently feeling, knowing that his best friend is crushing on the same guy as him, and clearly almost won him over. He wonders if Jisung and Hyunjin are officially a thing, and if so, how long they’ve been a thing. He wonders why neither of them thought to tell him, and then he wonders why it bothers him so much, why Jisung being in a relationship lodges something ugly and dark in his chest, even though it shouldn’t be _ any of his business. _

Changbin sighs before he grabs his phone and shoots off a quick text. He doesn’t bother checking it when it pings again, just grabs it, then picks up his jacket and pulls on his shoes as he exits the house.

Changbin needs a distraction, and he knows exactly where to find it.

\---

“You have way too much fucking stamina.” Chan laughs breathlessly. “Twice last night and again this morning? You’ll kill me.”

Changbin grins lazily, eyes catching Chan’s where they watch him steadily.

“You’re just old.” He teases lightly, laughing when Chan hits him on the chest.

“You’re just rude.” He huffs. Chan sits up, the sheets falling down to his naked waist, and Changbin bites his bottom lip, wondering if he can perk his dick up for another round. Chan seems to catch on because he shoots Changbin a warning look, shaking his head slowly.

“No.” He says, running a hand through his hair. “Don’t even think about it.” His voice is firm, stern and demanding, and Changbin shudders at the sound of it.

“You can’t talk to me in _ that _voice and then say no to going again.”

“What voice-” Chan sighs, mock exasperated, and Changbin decides there are more useful things he could be doing with his mouth instead, so he grabs Chan by the back of his neck and pins him down on the bed. Chan falls with a light bounce and a soft laugh, eyes twinkling with mischief as he watches Changbin try to figure out how to be in control.

“This is different.” He teases, “Are you sure you know what to do?”

“Shut up.” Changbin huffs, then leans down so their noses are touching, forehead pressed together. “You talk too much.”

Chan responds by leaning up just enough for their lips to connect, and Changbin reciprocates immediately, pressing against Chan insistently, one hand on his waist, the other on his chest.

The kiss is heated, but Changbin doesn’t think they’ve ever shared one that isn’t. Chan licks into his mouth like it’s habit, because it is by now, and Changbin accepts it easily, allowing Chan to do as he pleases.

Changbin can just feel Chan’s hard on poking at his thigh, but before he can even think about grinding against him, there’s a buzz from next to them on the bedside drawer.

“Ignore it.” Changbin mumbles, though it’s useless, because Chan never does.

“It could be important.” Chan says, like he always does, and Changbin sighs and gives him space, like he always will.

“Shit- I forgot- _ fuck.” _Chan is suddenly manoeuvring Changbin off him and jumping off the bed, standing comically in the middle of the bedroom, stark-naked, as he runs a hand through his hair.

“What- what’s wrong?”

“Work- I had to meet up with this guy- forgot- _ where are my pants?” _

“Under your desk, hyung, chill out, just tell him you’re running late.” Changbin speaks gently, hoping it will coax Chan back into bed. It does the exact opposite.

“Always late for him- god, I need a shower.”

Changbin slides to the edge of the bed, legs barely reaching the floor as he hits his heels against the side of it,

“I’ll leave then.” He says softly. Chan stops rushing around for a moment, pausing in his chaos to turn his attention towards Changbin once more.

“You don’t have to.” Chan says, equally as soft, “My roommate will be back soon, you guys can like- get to know each other or something.”

“God, then I _ really _need to go.”

Chan huffs out a laugh,

“He’s not _ scary.” _

“I don’t want to be introduced as your _ fuck buddy.” _

“You’re n-” Chan catches himself, pauses then shakes his head, “I’ll just tell him you’re my friend.”

“I think it’s plenty obvious what kind of friend I am.” Changbin hops down from the bed then begins to push Chan out of the door. “Go shower, smelly.”

Chan never takes more than ten minutes in the shower, so Changbin does his best to get changed and look decent by the time he’s finished. He really doesn’t want to stick around Chan’s apartment after the boy has left, considering he came here as a distraction and not with the intention to induce his anxieties.

Changbin takes a seat at Chan’s desk once he’s dressed, and fishes his phone out of his pocket, determined to keep himself distracted until Chan gets out the shower.

He’s just won a third round of Mario kart when he puts his phone down to rub at his temples, the effects of not eating for over twelve hours finally catching up to him.

Then Changbin sees something- something that the last time he saw, it cost him an earful and a great deal of pain. Carefully, Changbin puts his phone down onto the desk, face-down, before he tentatively picks up the magazine between two fingers.

There, unmistakably, scrawled on the front in huge letters are the words _ The 9 _ _ th _ _ . _

Maybe Chan is just an avid reader, a fan of the issue. Maybe he enjoys its contents, or maybe it was just something new he picked up to give a read.

The multiple editions of the same copies wedged in the magazine rack feel like they’re mocking Changbin’s excuses.

Chan chooses that exact moment to emerge from the bathroom, a trail of steam following behind him as he steps into the room. He must notice something is wrong as soon as he sees Changbin completely ignoring him, because Changbin is always more than ready to pull towels off of him when he’s wearing nothing underneath them.

“Bin?” He calls softly, and Changbin jumps, dropping the magazine like hot potato.

“Chan hyung,” Changbin whispers, “Why do you have this?”

Chan frowns.

“That’s the magazine company I’m the editor for.” Chan explains as he begins to pull clothes out of his closet. Changbin barely pays him any mind as he slowly gets dressed, still clearly confused about the situation.

“Do you know who J.One is?” Changbin blurts out. Chan frowns.

“That’s confidenti-”

“Is it Han Jisung?”

Chan freezes. His eyes are wide and he’s completely still as he focuses all his attention on Changbin, but Changbin does nothing but fix him with a blank stare. He _ needs _to know.

“How do you know Han Jisung?” Chan asks, voice barely above a whisper. Changbin closes his eyes, sighing deeply before he speaks.

“Hyung,” He begins, trying to keep his voice as steady as he can, “I think we have some talking to do.”

\--

“This is insane.”

Changbin frowns, switching the car engine off as he turns to face Chan. He feels that Chan may be being a tad bit dramatic. They both know Jisung- so what?

“Bit dramatic.” Changbin decides to voice out loud.

“No. You don’t get it- Jisung and I- we…” Chan trails off, and when it’s clear he’s not going to finish his sentence Changbin rests a sympathetic hand on his shoulder,

“I get it.” He says softly. Chan shoots him a look, something that Changbin reads as disbelief, doubt, maybe mistrust, but he doesn’t have enough time to explain to Chan that _ really, _ he _ does _get it, because Chan shakes him off as he begins to speak once more.

“You remember what I said right? Jisung can’t know about- this- so make sure-”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Changbin says, sounding unintentionally snappy. He’s slightly irritated about the way that Chan has been acting ever since Changbin revealed that Jisung is his roommate who kind of currently hates him.

Chan says nothing more as he opens the door of Changbin’s car and steps out. Changbin watches him walk towards the building, buzz the door then step inside once Jisung answers it.

Changbin waits five minutes, just like Chan had told him to, then wrenches his keys out of the ignition and opens his own door. Changbin’s legs shake once he’s standing on the ground, and he _ hates _ it. He shouldn’t feel nervous about going up to his own apartment, about going _ home, _but something about the thought of seeing Chan and Jisung in the same proximity for the first time makes his heart race and his stomach flip. Chan had reassured him that Jisung wouldn’t find out about their rendezvous as long as they were both careful, but Changbin has never been the greatest secret-keeper, even if they were secrets of his own.

Chan and Jisung are laughing in the living room, loud enough to drown out the sound of Changbin softly unlocking the door. There’s a moment where they don’t see him, but Changbin sees them- sees the way Jisung laughs open-mouthed and happy, and Chan is simply chuckling back, more of his attention focused on looking at Jisung in an incredibly-fond manner.

The previous nerves in his stomach twist into something ugly, something that he hates more than the anxiousness that had settled in before. Changbin isn’t sure what it is- it definitely isn’t envy, nor is it sadness. It’s simply a lost feeling. The feeling of looking into a window of a cosy family, whilst being forced to stand outside in the pouring rain.

Changbin is strangely reminded of the time Jisung had insisted on reading Wuthering Heights to him, only three months into them meeting each other. Changbin had told him it was the worst book he ever read in high school and Jisung had looked so insulted that Changbin immediately regretted his words, until Jisung told him he should read it again, with the proper context and at his own pace.

There’s a scene, where Heathcliff and Cathy watch a higher-class family through their window, and when they get caught, the family invite Cathy inside, but Heathcliff is sent back- dejected and cast away because he doesn’t fit in with them.

Changbin didn’t think he’d ever relate to Heathcliff until he sees Jisung and Chan giggling away like that- like he’s been thrown out onto the side-lines, undeserving of joining in on the joy.

**  


Jisung has no clue what compelled him to ask Chris to come over, but a surge of boldness overtakes him every time he remembers the fact that they almost kissed- so he sends the text off and doesn’t check his phone till the evening. Chris had texted him back less than five minutes after he messaged, saying he’d love to come over, considering they still had some things that needed discussing. Jisung had been thrilled. His relationship with Changbin was slowly dissipating into nothing, but Jisung felt happy knowing that someone like Chris was interested enough in him.

Chris is late, but Jisung doesn’t expect him to come on time anymore. Whenever they meet up, if Chris isn’t already there, he’ll be late. Jisung doesn’t mind it. He’s just happy that Chris turns up at all.

Spending time with Chris is simultaneously the best and worst parts of Jisung’s week. Chris makes him laugh until his stomach hurts, he makes him feel special, he listens to Jisung when he speaks and he offers advice when Jisung talks to him about his troubles. Chris slowly morphs into something of a best friend, though Jisung would never dare tell Hyunjin this.

Nevertheless, Chris is different to Hyunjin in many ways. He doesn’t poke fun at Jisung for stupid shit- though Jisung has never minded when Hyunjin does that, because he’s pretty sure it’s a habit Hyunjin picked off Jisung himself. Chris doesn’t lie across Jisung’s lap like Hyunjin does, nor does he rake his fingers through Jisung’s hair, because Chris isn’t necessarily very affectionate. But Jisung wishes he was, because every time Chris laughs, Jisung wants to kiss him silly, and every time he looks at Jisung with those eyes, through his pretty eyelashes, cheeks tinted pink and tongue flicking out to wet his lips, Jisung has to drag his gaze away before he actually _ does _kiss Chris. And even though Jisung doesn’t think Chris would mind if he kissed him, he doesn’t think he wants to initiate anything unless Chris does it first.

Chris is the one thing in Jisung’s life that he’s sure about; but he’s _ so _sure, it makes him unsure.

Jisung barely catches Changbin slipping into the apartment, and if he had kept his eyes closed and head thrown back, he wouldn’t have seen him at all.

“Hyung!” Jisung calls, and he’s confused when Changbin doesn’t turn around, till he realises that he hasn’t directed that word towards his roommate in almost a week. Instead Chris turns to him, puzzled as to why Jisung is calling him when he’s sitting directly in front of him.

_ “Changbin hyung,” _Jisung clarifies, and he hates the way Changbin freezes, clearly contemplating whether or not to pretend he didn’t hear Jisung.

Changbin turns slowly, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, eyes narrowed.

“Hey Sungie,” He says softly, and the nickname tugs pathetically at Jisung’s heart. _ How _did he ever think he was getting over Seo Changbin?

“Meet Chris.” Jisung blurts out, smile wide as he gestures towards Chris sitting on the floor, “He’s- a friend.” Jisung had made sure to tell Chris that Hyunjin was the only one of his friends that’s aware of how exactly he’d met Chris, and Chris had mimed zipping his lips shut, telling Jisung his secret was safe.

“Hi Chris.” Changbin says, voice dropping considerably and if Jisung didn’t know any better he’d think Changbin even narrowed his eyes a little. “I’m Changbin.”

Chris raises a hand in a short wave, nodding as he replies,

“Nice to meet you, Changbin-ssi.”

Jisung watches as Changbin simply nods back, before he opens the door to his room and disappears inside. Jisung frowns,

“Well that was weird.”

Chris shrugs,

“I guess.” He says then swivels his laptop back around to face Jisung, a silly vine pulled up on the screen. “Okay now watch this.”

Jisung gets so caught up watching ridiculous vine compilations and cringe-worthy Tik-Toks with Chris, that he barely notices when the sun disappears for the night and the moon replaces it. They’d stopped making false promises of watching ‘the last one’ over two hours ago, silently admitting that these were just empty words dying on their lips.

“Shit,” Chris says, acknowledging the hour for the first time since he’s arrived, “I should go- my roommate will be worried.”

Jisung frowns,

“Did you drive here?”

“Uh- I got dropped off.”

“Do you think your roommate will come and pick you up? I can ask Changbin hyung to give you a ride if-”

“No!” Chris protests so fast and so sharp, Jisung finds himself caught slightly off guard. “Sorry.” Chris’ alarmed expression turns into one of guilt, “I don’t want to be a hassle- it’s fine, I’ll walk.”

“Don’t be silly.” Jisung rolls his eyes, “It’s way too late for you to _ walk _ back- here, just-” Jisung pauses, scrambling to move all the stuff from the couch onto the floor, “You can sleep here- or I’ll sleep here if you want to-”

“Jisung.” Chris takes Jisung’s hand, effectively stopping the ramble leaving his mouth, “I can stay here. If you’re sure you don’t mind?”

“I’m sure.” Jisung nods firmly, “Let me get you blankets and stuff, the couch is super comfy if you pull it out a little.”

When Jisung returns with a pair of sweatpants for Chris to change into, as well as a mountain of blankets to keep him warm, Chris has found the lever to pull the couch out and is looking pretty pleased with himself.

“The bathroom’s down the hall.” Jisung tells him, handing over everything he’d brought. Chris thanks him profusely, and Jisung simply waves him off. Chris’ comfort comes before anything and everything else.

“Jisung,” Chris calls just as Jisung turns to leave. His voice is soft, hushed, and it fits the dim atmosphere- curtains drawn and room enveloped in darkness. The only light comes from under Changbin’s door shut tight, and Jisung’s door slightly ajar. Chris stands in the silhouette of them both.

“Yeah?” Jisung responds, equally as soft. He feels a yawn climbing its way into his throat but he forces it down, determined to listen to whatever Chris has to say.

“Thanks.” Chris says softly, then he’s moving forward before Jisung can even think, and placing a feather-light kiss against Jisung’s cheek. “Goodnight.” He murmurs against Jisung’s skin, before moving away again and Jisung stands, stunned, before retreating to his room.

Jisung awakens at some point during the night, confused but determined to turn over and go back to sleep. He knows for a fact it’s only a few hours past midnight, because not a drip of light can be seen through his blinds, yet just as he shifts slightly, he hears a sound- that definitely didn’t come from his mattress.

Jisung finds himself only further confused when he identifies the noise as not just _ any _sound, but more specifically, voices. Who could Changbin possibly be speaking to? At this hour?

Quietly, Jisung pulls back the covers and slips out of bed, arms wrapped around his body as he shivers in the cold of the night. About a year ago, Jisung had woken up to the sound of Changbin talking, and when he got up to investigate, he found Changbin thrashing around in his sheets, a thin layer of sweat covering his skin. Jisung didn’t think before he shook Changbin awake, and Changbin had woken with a shout, before he began to violently sob into Jisung’s shoulder. Jisung had never seen Changbin so broken, and Changbin had never told him what the nightmare was about, only allowed Jisung to slip into his sheets every night it happened after that.

Sometime around the beginning of spring, with the help of his doctor, Changbin’s nightmares had stopped, and as far as Jisung was aware, they’d never come back. But now, he isn’t so sure.

When Jisung steps into the hallway, he notices Changbin’s bedroom door ajar and the light in the kitchen switched on. Confused, he edges closer towards the kitchen, wondering if Changbin is simply on the phone, until he reaches the entryway and realises that Changbin is speaking, not on the phone, rather to _ a person. _

Chris stands with his back facing Jisung, and Changbin stands at an angle, so neither of them spot Jisung as he edges closer. Just as Jisung opens his mouth to announce his presence, Changbin continues to speak in a harsh whisper.

“I just don’t get why-”

_ “Because I said!” _

“He’ll find out- _ Chris. _It won’t matter either way,”

“Don’t fucking call me that.” Chris snaps, and Jisung finds himself startled. He’s _ never _heard Chris snap at someone before. Not with that much venom in his voice.

“Jisung does.” Changbin snaps right back, “You got separate names _ and _personalities for us, Channie? Fucking pathetic-”

“Pathetic?” Chris sneers, “That’s not what you said yesterday after I fucked you-”

Jisung can’t help it. The gasp he lets out is quiet, but it’s winded and reeks of _ hurt _and for some reason, both Chris and Changbin seem to flinch at the sound of it as they whip around to face him.

“Sungie?” Changbin squints, “What are you doing-”

“You guys are fucking?” Jisung asks softly, and he hates the way his voice breaks, the way he can feel tears choking his voice, and then the way they spring into action, dotting his vision and making him dizzy.

Jisung hates the way both Changbin and Chris (or Chan? Jisung doesn’t know) call out for him, but don’t get to him fast enough as he stumbles out of the kitchen, down the hallway, and slams his room door shut. Jisung hates the way the tears fall so fast and so free, a waterfall of emotions cascading down his cheeks- though he doesn’t even know _ why _ exactly he’s so sad and hurt and upset. Jisung hates the way he can hear Chris and Changbin talking, even over the sound of his own sobs, and Jisung _ loathes it _when he realises he’d initially woken up in hopes of comforting Changbin, soothing him from a nightmare until he was sound asleep again, only to blindly fall into the trap of a nightmare of his own. 


	3. iii.

Jisung loses track of time. Sort of.

He wakes up, gets dressed and goes to class, then retreats to his room once he’s finished with his socialising commitments for the day. Jisung is aware that he probably looks like a zombie, he’s also aware that he probably flopped the test he took yesterday and that he’s been avoiding Changbin like the plague ever since he found out- _ that- _but Jisung still needs space, still needs time and Changbin isn’t good at giving him that.

Just knowing that Changbin is in the same apartment as him makes Jisung feel suffocated, like the more he tries to escape his worries the closer they get to him.

Jisung doesn’t even realise it’s been a week until he gets an email from Chris (he can’t bring himself to call him Chan) on the 7th, asking for his contribution to the next issue. It’s an incredibly professional email, all equipped with a BCC field and a subject and it makes Jisung want to hurl. The only reason he even has Chris’ email address is because Chris used his laptop once to send something to himself. Jisung hates how much things have changed in a week. But he isn’t sure he wants to go back to a week ago, when he was stupid and oblivious to everything happening around him.

No matter how much Hyunjin tries to assure him he isn’t stupid, Jisung isn’t convinced. Hyunjin is the only one he allows into his room, and without Hyunjin he’d probably either be starving or dead or starved to death. 

“Have you even prepared anything?” Hyunjin asks when Jisung shows him Chris’ email and Jisung shrugs,

“Not really. I could just turn something in that I wrote ages ago.”

“I can write something for you.” Hyunjin offers, “If you don’t feel up to it.”

Jisung throws him a grateful smile that falls fast,

“Thanks,” He murmurs, “But it’s fine.” Jisung pauses, “I think I might just email him back and tell him I’m dropping out.”

Hyunjin gapes,

_ “Dropping out?” _ He repeats, “Like- _ quitting?” _

“Yeah.” Jisung laughs dryly, “Don’t really feel like working for a guy who’s been making a laughing stock of me this whole time. I should find somewhere else to live too. I don’t want to live with someone who knows about how pathetic I am- how I write poetry about the fact that he’ll never fucking notice me.” Jisung’s voice cracks and he wills himself not to cry, aware that he’s done enough of that already.

“Sungie,” Hyunjin says softly, “You don’t _ really _ believe that they’ve been laughing behind your back- at you- this whole time, do you?” When Jisung says nothing, Hyunjin sighs and reaches forward, running a gentle hand up and down Jisung’s back. “Look. Changbin’s annoying and I can’t stand him nor his four inch platform boots, but he would _ never _treat you like that. And the same goes for Chris. I may have only known him for a month or so, but he’s a genuine guy, Jisung. They both care about you.”

Jisung scoffs at the last sentence.

“Yeah. Sure they do.”

_ “Jisung-” _

“Look it’s fine, whatever, I don’t want to talk about it. Didn’t you say you had somewhere to be in like ten minutes?”

A heavy blush suddenly coats Hyunjin’s cheeks, and Jisung sits up intrigued by the behaviour.

“Jinnie?” He laughs, “What is it?”

“Nothing!” Hyunjin squeaks as he begins to stand from the bed, grabbing his bag from the floor, “You’re right I really need to go-”

“Where are you going?” Jisung prods and when Hyunjin says nothing Jisung tackles him back onto the bed, laughing into his neck as Hyunjin thrashes about in an attempt to escape Jisung’s hold. 

“I have a date.” Hyunjin gasps out eventually, and Jisung stops, stunned. “With Felix.” Hyunjin clarifies, “We’re kind of – you know-”

_ “No way,” _Jisung gasps, pulling Hyunjin into an incredibly tight hug. Hyunjin fakes being unable to breath and Jisung only squeezes him tighter, knowing that he’s been crushing Hyunjin into ridiculously tight hugs for so many years his organs have definitely adapted to it by now. “I’m so happy for you. Both.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin laughs nervously as Jisung releases his tight grip on him. He doesn’t release him completely however, and instead chooses to lie on his chest. Hyunjin simply snakes an arm around his waist, “I wish you’d told me what he said to you. It was uncalled for.”

Jisung shrugs.

“Felix was angry.” He says quietly, “He wasn’t thinking.”

“It was still uncalled for.” Hyunjin repeats.

“He tried to apologise.” Jisung defends weakly and Hyunjin simply sighs in response, grip on Jisung’s waist tightening. Jisung knows that he doesn’t need to explain himself any further. Hyunjin knows him. Knows that he’s not a pushover, neither is he an easy target, he simply believes in making peace. And if that means being a punching bag for his friends sometimes then Jisung will be that. Plus, he’s pretty sure Felix is already feeling guilty enough over his words, whilst Jisung had long forgotten them. There’s been more horrible words overclouding them since then.

“So how did it happen? You and-” Before Jisung can finish his sentence there’s a gentle knock on his door and Jisung frowns. Changbin doesn’t knock like that. Unless he’s being tentative. But he’s pretty sure there’s no-one else in the apartment right now. 

“Come in,” Jisung calls softly, and when the door creaks open, he wishes he’d said nothing at all.

Chris walks into the room, decked in a black hoodie and shorts, looking ready to break Jisung’s heart all over again and Jisung doesn’t feel ready to face it, doesn’t feel strong enough to _ allow _Chris to do that to him again.

Chris’ eyes zero in on the position that Jisung is lying on Hyunjin, and Jisung sighs as he sits up.

“I’ll see you later, Sungie.” Hyunjin says as he stands from the bed, grabbing his bag once more. He simply nods at Chris as he passes him in the doorway, but doesn’t say anything as he exits. Jisung will forever be grateful for Hyunjin’s loyalty. When they hear the front door bang, Jisung turns to face Chris, gesturing for him to come in and close the door.

Chris does as told, taking a seat at Jisung’s desk chair instead of his bed or his floor like he’d done so many times in the past.

“We were just- Hyunjin has a boyfriend now.” Jisung explains, then _ hates _himself for doing so. Chris doesn’t need an explanation, he isn’t entitled to one, not anymore, yet Jisung feels the need to clear away any misconceptions anyway. 

Chris simply nods, though Jisung is pretty sure he sees his previously tense posture slouch a little. 

“I just came to see if you got my email.” Chris says softly, “You didn’t respond to it. Or to my texts.”

Jisung shrugs,

“Thought you’d be busy fucking Changbin or something-”

_ “Sungie-” _

“Don’t. Do _ not _call me that.”

“Jisung-” When Jisung continues to glare, Chris seems to change up his sentence, “So you did get it?”

Jisung nods, looking away and instead focussing his gaze on his foot, kicking at a pencil that Hyunjin had left on his bedroom floor. The pencil rolls away when he kicks it too hard, and gets lost under his bed. 

“I got it.” Jisung says, “Just haven’t had much inspiration lately. To write something new.”

“Is it Changbin?” Chris asks suddenly, and Jisung is alarmed, “Is he the one you wrote the poems about?”

Jisung snorts.

“Can you stop asking me questions you already knew the answer to? I don’t know why you’re here Chris, but if it’s to make fun of me all over again you’re talking to the wrong person in the apartment-”

“You think we were making fun of you?”

Jisung narrows his eyes,

“Are you telling me you _ weren’t?” _

“Yes!” A troubled look passes across Chris’ face and Jisung feels sympathetic for a moment, a very brief moment before Chris looks at him with that familiar look of determination in his eyes. “I didn’t know your poetry was about Changbin- I didn’t even know you _ knew _Changbin until that day you invited me over.”

Jisung is quiet, unsure of what to say. Chris could easily be lying all over again, just how he’d been when he pretended to meet Changbin for the first time. 

Before Jisung can say anything however, Chris is speaking again and Jisung is tired of yelling, of arguing and crying about it, so he chooses to listen. 

“I didn’t- I never lied to you.” Chris starts. Jisung throws him an incredulous look. 

“You _ literally _ pretended to meet Changbin for the first time. Right in front of me. Fuck, I don’t even know what to _ call _you. Don’t say you never lied to me.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you-”

“Why would it hurt me?”

“Because I _ like _you Jisung!” Chris blurts out, exasperated. He clearly wasn’t expecting to say it, considering how he covers his mouth as soon as he does, like he just dropped a nuclear bomb on the wrong war. “I like you.” Chris repeats again, softly, “I almost kissed you. I wish I had.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Jisung mutters. 

“Jisung please- hear me out. Changbin and I we were just- you know- it was just sex. Well, I mean I thought it was. I’m pretty sure that’s all he saw it as.” Chris pauses to lick his lips, eyes rolling up to look at the ceiling before he continues. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think there was something going on between me and- and someone else.”

Jisung remains expressionless as he asks.

“Do you like Changbin? The way you like me?”

“I don’t- I didn’t. Initially. It was just you. And then- god- I read more into your poetry, as well as all the stuff you post on Instagram and it was just so- so _ Changbin. _ Jisung, I don’t think you realise, but your poetry can _ make _a person fall in love.” Chris sighs, “I fell in love with Changbin through your words, Sungie.”

Jisung watches Chris steadily for a moment. He hates that previously, he didn’t have a reason to be angry at Chris- not really. The tiny white lie could easily be forgiven, but now, with all this extra information, with the knowledge that Jisung’s poetry _ helped _ Chris fall in love _ with someone else, _makes Jisung mind begin to run miles.

What does that mean for Jisung and Chris? What does that mean for Jisung and _ Changbin? _Where does Changbin even stand in all this? Does he like Chris the way Chris likes him? Does he like Jisung at all?

“Can you leave?” Jisung sighs eventually. Chris looks slightly startled,

“Jisung-”

“I’m not annoyed.” Jisung says quickly, “I’m just really tired. And I need you to go.”

Chris bites at his lip, a thwarted expression on his face as he stands to leave. Just as Chris reaches the door, Jisung calls his name, and he turns back quickly- hopefully.

“I’ll send you a poem by tonight.” Jisung promises, then watches in silence as Chris turns and leaves. The sound of the front door shutting brings Jisung nothing but relief. 

> _ I’ve always thought I was the moon and you were the sun _ _   
_ _ whilst you were shining brightly I had just barely begun _
> 
> _ My existence meant nothing without your light, _ _   
_ _ in order for me to survive, I must have you by my side, right? _
> 
> _ Unable to co-exist, and the public were always more in awe of you, than they were of me, _ _   
_ _ they were right of course, for your light always shone so brightly _
> 
> _ The biggest difference between us, always seemed to be our contrasting light, _ _   
_ _ for moonlight and sunlight is incomparable, a worthless fight _
> 
> _ Moonchildren exist, maybe so, _ _   
_ _ but meanwhile do sunflowers and sun-gods, unparalleled, I know _
> 
> _ Life was easier, when I thought people didn’t smile at the moon. _ _   
_ _ When I didn’t know happiness directed at it, was concealed in darkness, in shadows and hours that pass too soon _
> 
> _   
_ _ The moon is not like the sun- I am not like you- because the moon is comfort and familiarity whilst the sun is scorching hot and burns when you get too close. _
> 
> _ And then it hit me. We are neither the impassive moon, nor the vivid sun. _
> 
> _ We are simple stars, basking within the presence of them both. _

Jisung showers when Chris leaves. He cleans his room and cooks dinner, then sorts through the ridiculous pile of bills sitting on the coffee table. He sweeps away the dust from behind the TV, then sprays the couch down and plumps up the pillows.

By the time Jisung is finished with his mini cleaning mission, Changbin returns from work and Jisung simply nods towards the plate of food in the kitchen. 

Jisung doesn’t expect Changbin to join him. They’ve barely spoken a word to each other in over a week, and he doesn’t really know if Changbin will be up for a chat after a long day of classes and then work.

But to Jisung’s surprise, Changbin does eventually join him on the couch, hesitant, until Jisung scoots over to the other side and offers him as much room as he can.

“I’ll pay those.” Changbin says quietly, and Jisung turns to see Changbin’s gaze focused on the pile of bills he had stacked neatly in a corner of the table- two piles of important and not important. 

“We’ll both pay them.” Jisung frowns, “We both live here.”

“Do you- are you still working?”

“Yes.” Jisung doesn’t even want to know where Changbin got the impression that he’s been _ fired, _but he’s determined to set him right. 

“And- and you’re not moving out?” Changbin asks, voice suddenly very quiet. Jisung must look alarmed because Changbin rushes to explain, “I heard you talking- to Hyunjin before, and- I don’t know- shit, Sungie I’m _ so _ sorry, but like- if I make you uncomfortable, if you suddenly hate me then you can leave- in fact _ I’ll _leave-”

“Hyung,” Jisung breathes, catching onto Changbin’s sleeve in hopes of getting his attention. It works- sort of- because Changbin stops talking but his eyes are still blazing with uncertainty and he’s biting his bottom lip raw. “I’m not going anywhere. And neither are you.” Jisung sighs, “I was just upset. I don’t think I want to move out of here for a long time. Not as long as you’re living here.”

In a moment of bravery, Jisung reaches forward and places his thumb just below Changbin’s bottom lip, tugging it out gently from under his top teeth. Changbin looks startled, but he stops gnawing at his lips. 

“I didn’t know you knew Chan.” Changbin blurts out and Jisung really feels like telling him to shut up. He doesn’t want to talk about any of _ that _right now, but Changbin doesn’t look like he’s going to stop, and Jisung is afraid they’ll never speak of it if they don’t start now. So he allows Changbin to continue, just like he had with Chris, only hours prior. 

“It was his dog- she kept barking under our apartment so I went down one day to see if she had a collar or something and she _ did. _But when I put the number on there into my phone it was just- Jesus, it was my fucking studio partner. Remember that kid I told you about? The AWOL one?”

Something suddenly springs to Jisung’s mind, and he squeezes his eyes shut as he speaks,

“The one I told you to sleep with.” He says quietly. 

“Yeah! Okay- well- yeah, but like, that isn’t exactly how it happened.” Changbin sighs as he runs a hand through his hair, “I knew where he lived, and it’s not far from here, so I took Berry back home and Chan just laughed and scolded the dog and then let me in and well – it just _ happened.” _

Jisung watches Changbin run his tongue over his lips, shift in place and lock his fingers together, clearly regretting having started this. Slowly, as if to offer comfort, Jisung reaches forward and places a hand over Changbin’s interlocked fingers. Changbin throws him a shaky smile.

“I thought it was a one time thing. It _ was _ a one time thing. Supposed to be. But then- I don’t know- I just kept going back, and then the project finished and we were still fucking around. And I swear- I _ swear _ Sungie, I had no clue you guys knew each other, or he was your hirer or whatever.” Changbin sighs, “It was just sex. And neither of us wanted you getting hurt. So we lied to you- which was ultimately the stupidest thing we both did outside of the bedroom- I just. God, I _ need _you to understand that we never meant to hurt you.”

“If- if it was Chris- Chan- you were seeing this whole time,” Jisung begins slowly, “Who was that girl you couldn’t stop talking about?”

Changbin frowns,

“The girl?”

“The one we saw at the mart that one time.”

Changbin’s eyes widen,

_ “Chungha?” _When Jisung simply shrugs, Changbin huffs out a laugh. “She’s just a friend Sungie. Chungha would never sleep with someone like me. It- it was always Chan.”

“Okay.” Jisung says, removing his hand from where it’s still placed over Changbin’s. “Do you want to watch Haikyuu?” He asks softly. 

Changbin looks confused for a moment, but Jisung waits patiently, waits for Changbin to realise he has nothing else to say about this, not right now, and that it’s late and Jisung wishes for nothing more than to watch his favourite anime with his favourite person. Jisung waits, and eventually, Changbin gives him a firm nod in response.

Jisung doesn’t know when it happens. He’s pretty sure Changbin was just as engrossed in the show as he was, but some time halfway through the fourth episode, Changbin’s head lolls forward and then drops heavily as it finds a home on Jisung’s shoulder. Jisung barely startles.

Eyeing the time, Jisung realises it’s just a little after twelve, and something else in the back of his mind nags away at how tired Changbin must have been, how exhausted he always is at the end of each day, and yet how he agreed to watch an anime with Jisung anyway. 

Jisung gently manoeuvres Changbin so he’s lying on the couch, and then grabs a blanket from where he had folded and put it away earlier when he had cleaned the room up. Jisung lies next to Changbin, careful not to wake him, then places the blanket over them both.

It’s a ridiculously tight fit, but Jisung will never admit out loud how glad he is that they both have tiny frames, making it uncomfortable, but not impossible to fall asleep against one another on a single couch. 

Jisung awakens to find the other side of the couch empty, though it’s expected. It’s just hitting noon, and Jisung knows Changbin likes to spend weekends working at the studio, something about inspiration striking most when there’s little to worry about.

When Jisung eventually makes his way to the kitchen in search of breakfast, he spots a small bag of food sitting on the counter top and he sighs, shaking his head as he realises what it is. Changbin’s lunch. And Changbin’s tendency to forget things.

Somewhere in between pulling cereal out of the cupboard and milk from the fridge, Jisung shoots Changbin a text, asking if he needs his lunch. Jisung is halfway through washing his bowl when Changbin texts him back.

**Binnie** **  
** _ Yes please :/ _

Jisung ends up reaching the studio way past lunch time, but Changbin insists he needs his lunch and so Jisung risks everything and takes a bus to get there. Students are leaving the studio as he enters, and he realises it’s hitting 5pm, the prime time for people to start filtering out.

As days grow shorter and more hours of the day are consumed by darkness rather than light, students pack things up and head home earlier compared to summer. But Jisung knows that Changbin only grows more inspired the further the sun dips. 

He reaches Changbin’s studio with ease, having been here many times before, yet when Jisung knocks on the door there’s no soft _ come in _like there usually is. Changbin could easily have his headphones in, could have not heard the knock, or could have stepped out for a moment, but Jisung had texted him right before he came up and Changbin had responded.

So Jisung does the only thing he can think of. He opens the door.

The sight that meets Jisung is neither unpleasant nor displeasing, though it definitely is shocking.

Chris has Changbin pushed against the wall, the blinds closed, and the only light coming from the monitor on the computer at the desk next to them. Chris’ arms are gripping Changbin’s hips as he does wonders to Changbin’s neck- if Changbin’s expression is anything to go by.

Jisung quietly places Changbin’s lunch on a chair close by. 

Strangely enough, Jisung doesn’t feel an ounce of jealousy. He feels neither anger nor irritancy, he doesn’t even feel disgust. A different feeling, something akin to want and the desire to join fills his gut and coils inside of him until it propels him to move forward and make his presence known.

Changbin startles when he notices Jisung walking over, pushing at Chris’ chest gently to get his attention. Chris pulls away, clearly irritated though the expression dissipates once he notices Jisung standing in the middle of the room.

“Jisung,” Chris calls softly, “What are you doing here?”

When Jisung says nothing, Changbin pushes Chris further away, rubbing at his neck like that will diminish the evidence left there.

“It was just- we were just-” Changbin stumbles to explain and Jisung feels a wave of pity overcome him at the fact that Changbin is _ still _trying to make excuses for things.

So Jisung does the one thing he’d lied about to Chris. He walks over and kisses him.

Chris is clearly startled at first, though he doesn’t pull away, only pulls Jisung closer, kisses him soft- always soft with Jisung- and Jisung loves the attention he gets once Changbin presses up behind him, gently peppering kisses against his neck. 

“You smell so good.” Changbin murmurs against his skin and Jisung pulls away from Chris to face him. Changbin pulls Jisung in just the way Chris had, though he kisses more frantically than Chris does, more fast-paced and with less control, less patience. Jisung thinks the pace of Chris’ kisses are like the waves of the ocean, calm and in sync, never moving too fast, simply going with the flow, whilst Changbin kisses like a spreading fire, flames licking at everything it comes in contact with and setting it ablaze. 

They have a lot of talking to do, too many things needing to be discussed, maybe some tears that need to be shed and smiles that need to be shared, but in that moment, with Changbin pressed against his back, and Chris against his chest, Jisung thinks that there’s plenty of time to figure things out, to get to where they need to, but for now, there’s nothing wrong about simple enjoyment of the moment. 

\--

“Snap!”

“Dude- what the fuck- you _ cheat-” _

“I didn’t cheat- you weren’t paying attention-”

“So you took advantage and cheated!”

“It’s not cheating if you didn’t _ know-” _

“-But I _ do _know- dude what the-”

Hyunjin doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Jisung clambers on top of him, fists punching at his chest as Hyunjin only giggles breathlessly underneath him.

“Admit you cheated.” Jisung yells, and when Hyunjin refuses, Jisung only continues to punch him harder. 

_ “Never!” _Hyunjin shrieks, uncontrollable laughter falling from his mouth as Jisung remains relentless.

“Say you cheated!” Jisung pretty much _ screams, _and Hyunjin only continues to protest as he laughs.

Eventually, Jisung’s balled up fists cause him pain, and he releases Hyunjin to inspect the indents of his fingernails in his palms.

“Look what you made me do.” He hisses as he tentatively traces a finger over one of the marks.

“How on earth is that _ my _fault?” Hyunjin defends as he pulls his shirt off, examining the red marks on his chest.

“Shit dude- those weren’t me-”

“No,” Hyunjin grins smugly, “They were Felix.”

The words take a moment to register in Jisung’s mind but when they do he begins to shriek and punch all over again, Hyunjin simply resorting to laughter, much like before.

“Okay, okay, okay- _ dude.” _Hyunjin decides to manhandle Jisung onto his back, then settles onto his waist.

“God you’re fucking heavy.” Jisung wheezes, squirming histrionically under Hyunjin’s hold. 

“Don’t be dramatic.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes, “Now listen to me.”

Jisung sighs, parodically rolling his eyes back, but stops squirming to show he’s paying attention.

“The dance performance is next Saturday. And you’re going to come.”

“What makes you think I want to see a bunch of guys in leather pants sweating on stage?” Jisung sneers, continuing to squirm once more. Hyunjin remains unaffected. 

“Your homosexuality.” He shoots back. Jisung stops squirming to hit Hyunjin on the thigh. Hyunjin simply pins his wrists together.

“So no sucking your boyfriends’ faces okay? You’re going to look presentable.”

“They’re not my boyfriends.” Jisung turns his face away, feeling the blush creeping into his cheeks, “And we haven’t even kissed.”

That’s a lie. Kind of. 

Jisung hadn’t updated Hyunjin on what went down in the studio two weeks prior, because just the memory makes him blush crimson all the way down to his toes. The three of them had hung out often, usually just him and Changbin as Chris was pretty busy, but Jisung found that he enjoyed their company. None of them had brought up anything complex about feelings or dating or sex, but Jisung is also aware that none of them are particularly subtle. He’s often caught himself looking at Changbin in an incredibly fond way, only to grow surprised when seeing Chris look at him exactly the same.

So they hadn’t made much progress in the talking department. But Jisung was pretty sure that would sort itself out eventually. As did most things.

Hyunjin had tried to pester him about it, clearly knowing something was up. But Jisung always found a way to steer the conversation- usually towards Felix or dance, seeing as Hyunjin’s life only revolved around those two things, respectively. 

But Hyunjin himself had been tied up with dance rehearsals, and Jisung saw just how much he exerted himself and was putting his all into this performance. Every drop of sweat that fell from Hyunjin’s skin to the polished dance floor, was another hour of lost sleep well spent, another break time supposed to be spent resting, spent in exhaustion instead.

Jisung knew it would pay off- it always did- and he’d long since stopped worrying about his best friend when he got like this. Hyunjin knew his limits, knew just how much he can do and how much he cannot, knows when to stop and when it’s okay to start back up again. Jisung trusts Hyunjin to know himself better than anyone, and the fact that it’s usually Hyunjin scolding other dancers for overworking themselves and getting too worked up about the upcoming performance only proved that. Hyunjin dances like he breathes; enough for each second, to give him something to keep him alive for another day. 

Days caught in a flurry of tests and essays cause the day of the dance performance to come quicker than Jisung expected it to. Admittedly, he’s been seeing even less of Hyunjin in the last week, but being drowned in his own school work hadn’t made him realise how close the date was until the night before, when he checked his calendar and saw _ Jinnie’s dance performance _set as a priority with three exclamation points.

So Jisung rushes home from his last class that day, determined to turn up to the venue looking just as presentable as Hyunjin had made him promise he would be. Though Jisung is aware _ he’s _not the one performing, he feels the need to arrive looking at least clean and smelling good, so he showers for a lengthy amount of time, and then picks out an outfit that doesn’t scream attention, but shows that he made an effort. Jisung even takes the time to apply a minimal amount of makeup- just enough to cover up his eye bags and a few acne scars that he’s simply accepted as a part of his face now considering how long they’ve been there.

Jisung tosses out the clear contacts he’d been wearing all day and replaces them with the grey ones that he kept for special occasions. He’s just debating streaking his hair blue with a bottle of cheap hair spray when there’s a knock at his bedroom door, and Jisung is relieved. He was _ definitely _going to streak his hair if he wasn’t given a distraction. And then Hyunjin would definitely have him kicked out.

“You look good.” Changbin compliments him softly as he enters and Jisung feels the red creeping into his cheeks, a huge contrast to the bold look he was going for.

“Thanks.” He says, utterly tongue-tied after being flattered. 

“I just wanted to let you know I’ll be out for the evening.” Changbin says, inching further into Jisung’s room. “-but it looks like you have plans of your own too.”

Jisung, still unable to form coherent sentences, simply nods and flashes a smile.

Changbin seems to hesitate for a moment, Jisung sees it in the way his eyes dart around nervously and he shuffles his feet, before he walks over to where Jisung stands in the middle of the room.

Jisung’s question dies on his lips when Changbin leans forward and presses his mouth to where the question lay, soft and sweet and nothing like the kiss he’d given Jisung back at the studio. 

When Jisung feels Changbin start to pull away, he presses a hand to the back of Changbin’s neck, keeping them connected for a few seconds longer before he lets him go.

Changbin is just as flushed as Jisung when he pulls away.

“See you later.” Changbin murmurs softly, then turns to leave, and Jisung feels absolutely ridiculous tracing dainty fingers over his lips, completely flustered, but also in a total daze. It isn’t until he gets a text from Hyunjin, asking where the hell he is, that Jisung finally moves. 

The venue is bustling with people by the time Jisung pulls himself together enough to get there. He’s relieved Hyunjin had been kind enough to get him a ticket with a decent seat, that he shows to the guard at the door before he weaves through the crowds of people to get there. 

The stage is yet to be lit up with anything other than a few dim lights, the curtains drawn and not a single dancer in sight. Relief floods through Jisung when he realises there’s a good few minutes until the show starts. Hyunjin would have killed him if he missed even a second of the performance. 

The loud hubbub of people, some standing, some seated, and some halfway between, means Jisung finds great difficulty in finding his seat, more occupied with trying not to tread on anyone’s toes. 

When Jisung spots his seat however, he also spots an all too familiar face sitting in the seat right next to it.

“Hyung?” Jisung blurts out, unable to stop himself.

Changbin turns quickly at the sound of his voice, eyes scanning the crowd before he notices Jisung at the end of the row.

“Jisung?” He calls in a questioning manner, and then gestures him over, clearly oblivious that his seat is right next to Jisung’s anyway.

“Fancy seeing you here.” Jisung teases and Changbin shakes his head as he laughs.

“Felix asked-”

Changbin cuts himself off abruptly, and Jisung isn’t sure why until he realises someone else has taken the seat on the other side of him. Jisung thinks he might throw up.

Chris looks even better than when Jisung last saw him (which was just over ten days ago) hair swept up to show his forehead, earrings dangling in both ears as well as a silver necklace sitting heavy on his neck. He’s sporting a leather jacket and tight jeans, and Jisung can’t help but marvel at how _ expensive _he looks.

“Chan hyung?” Changbin says before Jisung can say anything, “How-”

“Oh, wow, hi,” Chris laughs, a little breathlessly Jisung notices, as he blinks at the sight in front of him before his lips stretch into a smile, genuine and pleased. “I didn’t think I’d see you guys here.”

“Do you know the dancers?” Jisung asks, curiosity killing his previous nausea.

“Lee Minho,” Chris says slowly, “He’s my roommate.”

“No fucking way.” Changbin’s jaw drops, eyes widening as he looks between Jisung and Chris like he expects an explanation. Jisung can’t give him one. He doesn’t think he even knows who this Lee Minho guy is. “Minho is your _ roommate?” _Changbin enquires, when he realises an explanation is not what he’s getting. Chris nods slowly. “What a goddamn small fucking world.”

Something clicks in Jisung’s mind.

“Is Lee Minho the guy that Felix and Hyunjin are like- completely in love with?” He asks. Hyunjin doesn’t name his dancer friends often, they’re usually given strange labels like ‘four backflips in a row girl’ and ‘brings Red Bull to every class guy.’ Lee Minho however, _ he _gets a name. Felix and Hyunjin are completely enamoured by his skill, his love for dance, and his passion for the art if the way they’re constantly esteeming him in his absence is anything to go by. 

“Yeah, that’s him.” Changbin laughs, “They really admire him.” He explains to a confused Chris.

Chris laughs, and is about to say something, most likely something about Minho being a dork if the look on his face is a sign of anything, but then his eyes catch someone walking up the row and he grins, waves a hand in the person’s direction.

“Here he comes.” Chris murmurs.

A handsome boy with beautiful eyes and the prettiest smile appears in front of them, laughter tinkling from his mouth as he reaches them. The source of the laughter doesn’t remain a mystery for long as Woojin slowly steps out from behind the beautiful boy.

“Woojin?” Jisung gapes, completely confused at this point. As far as Jisung is aware, Woojin eats, sleeps and breathes in the swanky café. 

“Hey,” Woojin nods in Jisung’s direction, and Chris laughs at the ridiculously (cute) confused expression Changbin is wearing.

“Changbin, Jisung, this is my roommate Minho and his boyfriend Woojin. Woojin, Minho, these are my- my friends, Changbin and Jisung.”

Woojin waves at them both, a polite smile on his face as he does so. Jisung is still processing the information (and trying incredibly hard not to focus on how _ tight _Minho’s pants are) when Minho speaks to them all, but mostly addresses Woojin.

“I have to head back,” He presses a quick kiss to the corner of Woojin’s mouth, then turns to Chris, Changbin and Jisung. “Enjoy the show. And your seats.” Minho smirks cryptically before he turns and sashays back down the aisle. Chris curses.

“Of course this was Minho’s idea.”

Woojin takes the seat next to Chris just as the lights black out completely and then shine brighter than ever, and all of Jisung’s attention turns towards the stage where the curtains are being drawn back. 

The performance is even better than Jisung expected it to be. Though he doesn’t have the faintest idea regarding the art of dance, Jisung truly appreciates the beauty of it being performed. Dancers in dark outfits and deep red accessories dance all sorts of stages, all sorts of styles to all sorts of music, confidence oozing through their moves, months of practise clear in the spotlight.

Jisung thinks that at the end of the day, dance- much like poetry- can be enjoyed, regardless of one’s personal knowledge regarding it. For it is made to be viewed, appreciated in its rawest form, to pass stories and emotions from one soul to another, and Jisung is more than happy to welcome the feeling that the dancers spark inside his chest.

Just as the last performance starts up, Jisung absorbs the energy that the dancers radiate and reaches out both his hands, happy when he finds just what he’s looking for.

Neither Changbin nor Chan let go until their hands are needed to contribute to the deafening applause that the finale ensues. 

Backstage is just as hectic as the audience stands. Though only certain people are allowed back here, it seems that everyone is very familiar with Woojin, immediately greeting him when they spot him, so Chan, Changbin and Jisung stick close to him, and manage to receive the same sort of attention.

They reach a dressing room and Woojin knocks on the door gently before a soft voice calls for them to come in.

Felix, Hyunjin and Minho are crowded around a mirror, various products laid out on the vanity table, though none of them seem to be using the mirror at all, more occupied by one another’s laughs, that cease once they’re joined by the presence of another four boys.

“You did so good!” Woojin says as soon as they enter, words directed at the three of them, though clearly meant for Minho as he thrusts a bouquet of flowers into Minho’s awaiting arms. Minho _ giggles, _easily accepting the kisses Woojin presses to his cheek, and only giggles louder when Hyunjin begins to throw tubes of lipstick at them.

“You were really good.” Jisung says as he walks over to Hyunjin, pulling his best friend into a hug, “I’m so proud of you, even if you _ did _team up with the devil and plot behind my back.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Hyunjin responds, squeezing Jisung back just as tight as he offers him a cheeky smile. Jisung simply retaliates with a punch to his arm. 

“Jisung-” Jisung pulls away to see Felix standing next to them, a sheepish smile on his face. “Can we uh- talk for a moment?”

Jisung nods, but Felix leads him out of the room and down a hallway before they reach an empty area, where the sounds and cheers of people can still be heard, but can’t be seen. 

Felix’s eyes are still covered in glitter, face shining and hair sparkling. He’s still dressed in leather pants and a mesh top, lips a dark red and cheeks covered with foundation so his freckles are nowhere to be seen. A piece of confetti sticks out from the top of his head and Jisung removes it absentmindedly.

“Thanks.” Felix says softly, “I just- I wanted to apologise. Say sorry,” He clarifies, as if Jisung doesn’t know what apologising means. “I was a real ass to you, I shouldn’t have been so mean. Hyunjin told me a lot of things- everything- and I knew you weren’t trying to hurt me, I did know that, but I took my own hurt out on you anyway. I’m really sorry, Ji.”

Jisung is surprised to find tears shining in Felix’s eyes, and he reaches up to brush them away with his sleeve, laughing along when Felix does.

“It’s fine, Lixie,” Jisung murmurs as he pulls Felix in for a hug, “Really, it’s okay.”

“Do you forgive me?” Felix sniffs.

“I do.”

“Sorry I just- fuck, I cry over everything.” Felix gives a watery laugh as he pulls back and Jisung can’t help the smile that erupts on his own face as he digs around in his pockets for a tissue. When he produces it and uses it to dab at Felix’s eyes, Felix only cries harder.

“I’m okay,” Felix sniffles, laughter bubbling out of him as he says this, “Oh my god.”

Eventually Felix manages to calm down enough to admit to Jisung that he and Changbin know about Jisung’s Instagram account, knows that he writes about Changbin and not Hyunjin, and that Felix had been incredibly, and unnecessarily, possessive over Hyunjin. 

To Jisung’s surprise, he feels neither anger nor betrayal over this revelation. Sure, it’s embarrassing to find out that the person he wrote poetry for can now see and understand the context behind his literature, can read how pathetically he’d been pined over, and just how he’s seen in Jisung’s eyes. But it doesn’t bother Jisung, doesn’t make him want to throw up or run away like it would have just a month ago. Rather Jisung simply feels relief. Relief that he’s no longer keeping secrets too big for his mouth, too dear for his heart. Really, maybe, perhaps, all along, all Jisung wanted was for Changbin to know just how he thought of him. 

“Sorry to disturb,” Jisung startles at the sound of Chan’s voice. Changbin is standing next to him, and in his ridiculous platform boots, they make quite the pair. 

“But is it okay if we steal our boy back?”

Felix raises his eyebrows at Jisung, but Jisung can’t bring himself to shove him or stick up a middle finger, or _ anything, _ because the words _ our boy _ are running through his mind, whizzing up and down and bouncing off the walls like gas particles in a container. And Jisung can’t think of anything _ but the fact that Chan just called him their boy and Changbin simply nodded in agreement. _

Felix takes a step back, implying his distance as he nods towards Jisung.

“Of course.” He smiles sweetly.

When Changbin reaches out a hand, Jisung simply accepts it and laces their fingers together. Chan appears on his other side, placing an arm over Jisung’s shoulder and squeezing him into his side.

“Come on,” he says softly, pressing a gentle kiss to Jisung’s temple, “Let’s go home.”

**

“I was once told, we should describe love the way we live it. In pieces. In parts. In the things it gives us and the things it does not.

If I was to split love into its fragments, I’d name them hurt and comfort. Pain and pleasure. Love and hate. Everything, and nothing at all.

Love knocks on the doors of empty homes, and mocks the residents that no longer live there. Love visits when it knows no one’s in, love comes and goes and comes and goes and goes.   
Love is unpredictable. 

I only knew happy endings in fairy tales. In the poison of Snow White’s apple, in the magic of Cinderella’s pumpkin, in the petals of Belle’s rose, in the beauty of her beast. Happy endings don’t exist in real life. 

Real life is dying from the poison, real life is choking on the pumpkin, real life is finding no beauty in a beast. In real life, love _ is _the beast. 

Hurt and comfort. Pain and pleasure. Love and hate. Beauty and beast. 

It’s always one or the other, you have it all or you don’t feel a thing. Love comes in pairs of two, wholes come divided in two halves, Cinderella had two sisters- and they hated her equally- but two. Everything is always two. This or that. Me or you. 

My love is not the same as yours. Call me greedy, but I love too much. Love hurts me; it coils around my chest and seeps into my veins, it pokes at my insides and squeezes and squeezes and squeezes until my eyes are blue and my stomach is purple, and yet I still cannot give up on love.

Love is tired of love.

Love is tired of its pieces and its parts and everything it has to take care of and everything it cannot control. I was once told that we should describe love how we live it. With all its counterparts and all its pieces and everything it has to offer.

_ Your _ heart has four chambers. Mine has three.”   


Applause fills Jisung’s ears and he smiles at the small crowd in front of him, taking in the feeling, desperate to never forget it, before he places the mic back on the stand and steps down from the stage.

“Dude!” Hyunjin calls as soon as Jisung is off the stage and Jisung grins broadly, rushing over to his best friend. “You were so cool.”

“I’m fucking shaking.” Jisung laughs, holding out a hand to prove his statement.

“Had no clue.” Seungmin says as he joins them, ruffling Jisung’s hair fondly he continues, “Seriously. What happened to all those nerves you were talking about?”

“They were definitely still there.” Jisung says, trying his best not to let a huge smile break out onto his face. He can’t tell if Seungmin is simply reassuring him or if he was _ really _that good- though Seungmin has never been one to hold back on candidness. 

“Well the audience couldn’t tell, and that’s all that matters.” Hyunjin assures him, “You really were great, Sungie.” Hyunjin looks like he’s about to say something else, but his eyes catch something over Jisung’s shoulder and he smirks instead, nodding towards it. 

“You did so well!” Chan gushes as soon as he reaches them, and Jisung allows himself to be enveloped into a hug, safety and warmth and comfort surrounding him. 

“I was so damn scared.” Jisung mutters, words muffled by Chan’s shoulder, which only causes him to hug him closer.

“You were amazing,” Changbin promises, pressing a kiss to Jisung’s head, “For a first timer- your poetry had the audience at the edge of their seats.”

“Don’t exaggerate.” Jisung giggles, only giggling harder when Chan nods in desperate agreement.

“Binnie’s right. The whole crowd was hooked onto your words. I’m so proud of you baby.”

“You and your three heart chambers.” Changbin teases, “Did you drop out of biology, Sungie?”

“Shut up.” Jisung whines, “It’s a _ metaphor.” _

“A metaphor, huh?” Changbin continues to tease, ignoring the nudge that Chan sends to his chest with a swift elbow, “For what exactly?”

“For us.” Jisung mumbles.

Changbin is silent for a moment before he swoops in and presses a kiss to Jisung’s mouth, much to the disgust of Hyunjin and Seungmin, who fake-retch before they walk away and go back to join the audience. 

“I know.” Changbin murmurs, “Just wanted to hear you say it.”

“You’re a pain.” Chan rolls his eyes, though he’s laughing at the surprised look on Jisung’s face.

“But didn’t you hear Sungie’s poem?” Changbin grins, “Pain is just the other half of love.”

Jisung looks between Chan and Changbin as they bicker over his poetry, Changbin taking the words too seriously just to irritate Chan as he attempts to explain all the imagery and metaphors Jisung had torn his hair out trying to come up with.

It’s true, that love is both, pain and comfort, a hollow in your chest but also a fulfilment in the heart. Love has brought Jisung emotions that he didn’t even know were possible to have simultaneously, as well as emotions he didn’t even think existed. It’s true, that love hurts but love is also happiness, the happiness of his boyfriends squabbling over a poem he wrote, squabbling with fond eyes and their hands interlinked.

Love can be tiring. Citing his poetry, maybe love can get tired of love. But Jisung doesn’t think he ever will. 

**Author's Note:**

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